The Bachelor Week 5: Glitter

The first ten minutes of week 5 is essentially an extended infomercial for the city of Fort Lauderdale.

I’ve been described using those exact words by at least five neighbors. By the way, Eli here, writing in Italics to prove to all those people who thought I was illiterate that I’m basically not. 


Fort Lauderdale is home to the W Hotel,

At least they’re staying somewhere with a name that some of the contestants will be able to read.

and yacht rentals. And that’s it.

Arie describes the city as “having beaches,” and the girls say things like “there are palm trees”

Please tell me Tinkerbell’s bike has training wheels. 

It’s like the Jack Donaghy blurb on the back of Liz Lemon’s book Deal Breaker: “Lemon numbers among my employees.”

Once the women stop unconvincingly raving about how long the boardwalks are and how clean the toilets in their hotel room are, Arie shows up and invites Chelsea on a date.

She’s “esssstatic.”

Lauren B., on the other hand is sad she didn’t get the date. Not a single person cares. Have we even seen Lauren B. before? Why are we wasting time on this not crazy person? SHOW US SOME KRYSTAL, gosh damnit.

Yes, we have seen Lauren B. before. She works at Lulu Lemon and when we walked into the store she didn’t even look up from her phone or her skinny pumpkin spice latte but she did say the word “hi” at us, although it was 12 syllables long. 

Maquel returns from Utah wearing a dress from a shop I probably follow on Instagram because I was tagged in a giveaway one time.

So, I have facial blindness, but isn’t the person pictured above Lauren B? Aren’t those identical humans? The next time someone tells me that all Asians look the same, I’m going to refer them to white blonde people.

The shop is probably called Primrose and Poodles and it probably sells hand-sewn dresses for babies, toddlers, and their moms. I’m sure that I wonder why I’m following Primrose and Poodles every time their posts show up in my feed, but I’m too lazy to go to their profile and unfollow, plus I might need a fun sun dress some day, and only 333,472 people enter each giveaway, so I’m bound to win eventually.

I currently follow ruffly 200 dogs on Instagram and most of these dogs follow me back and they are currently the most supportive entities in my life because pretty much every time I post an Instagram story half a dozen of them send me private messages telling me how much they like it and the point is we should all stop following humans and businesses on Instagram and start following puppies. 

Also, I don’t regret “ruffly.”

You should.

These are the faces of Maquel’s “friends” when they learn she’s returned:

Assuming I’m able to recognize her in the future, I’m going to refer to the one on the far left as “The Cleave” from now on. 

Don’t name the contestants. That’s how you get attached.

This is why I haven’t named any of my children.

Whilst on their date, Arie takes Chelsea yachting. “I’m on a dream boat, but I’m also with a dreamboat,” Chelsea says

Which is ironic because that dreamboat grew up watching all-new episodes of the Love Boat! 

As a surviving passenger of the Titanic, Arie should remember that this scene doesn’t play out well for him. 

Later, Arie takes Chelsea to the Radiator Springs section of California Adventure, and pays $42 for popcorn at the Cozy Cone Motel.

Last week I made a joke about the show running out of money and forcing the contestants to stay at the No-Tell Motel by the end of the season. The above photo is exactly what I was picturing.

Over dinner Chelsea tells Arie that her husband left her when her son was just six months old. Any time a woman shares personal and/or tragic details with Arie, you can tell Arie is trying to contort his face to demonstrate the appropriate responsive emotion, but he never gets it quite right:

“Wait. You have a daughter? Is she single?”

I just read back over Meg’s words and saw that it’s actually a son. But I’m leaving the joke because I get paid by the word here.

Arie gives Chelsea a rose

then makes out with her in front of some musician I’ve never heard of, but guys, I just heard Despecito for the first time last week, so I’m not really an authority on kids’ music these days and for all I know, this girl is a big deal,

and Arie and Chelsea are acting VERY disrespectfully. Show some respect for the chain mail, guys.

That’s actually Jewel, Meg. She’s the one who sings that song that’s all like “soooooooooooooo tell me what you want what you really really want!”

A date card arrives at the hotel, and all the ladies except Tia are invited on a group date, so Tia gets the one-on-one.

I so appreciate that the producers are casting from Whoville now.

The date card made some pun about “spare”, so obviously, Arie is taking the harem bowling.

What they don’t know is that Arie has been playing in the same bowling league for nearly five decades now, so they’re about to get schooled.

The women do what they can to get Arie’s attention, and Krystal declares herself above such shenanigans. Foreshadowing.

Arie announces that the ladies are about to compete in a little friendly bowling tournament. The winning team gets to go to the after party, and the losing team has to go back to the hotel.

So it’s the Pin Ups v. Spare Roses (Krystal’s team), and the Spare Roses win.

How embarrassing. They all wore the same thing.

After some serious reflection though,

Arie decides it’s just not fair to deprive the Pin Ups of time with him. This was clearly the plan all along. Because this show is dumb.

Meg reminds me of all of those wives out there who just try to make us husbands feel stupid for watching this show.

But no one told Krystal she didn’t actually have to care about a round of bowling, because they probably assumed that was a given, and now Krystal is ticked right off.

Something happens on the bus ride home. It’s not filmed, which is a travesty, so all we have is what the other girls say happened, which is: Krystal Called Arie a liar and said he couldn’t be trusted. Because he invited some girls to a party they were always going to attend anyway.

I hope she finds a way to vote Arie off at the end of this episode. Which actually reminds me of this one time in the late 90s when I was watching Elimidate, the American classic series and probably precursor to The Bachelor, wherein one man takes four women on a date and then progressively sends one home at a time until he ends up with one final woman and on this particular episode of which I’m thinking it got down to two women and the guy was kind of a jackass and so right before he got to the point where he was going to elimidate the final loser the women were all like “we have something to say first” and he was all “wwhhaaaaa” and they were like “WE elimidate YOU” and then they high fived and walked off together arm-in-arm and today I was in court and the judge asked me a basic question about the facts of my case and I couldn’t remember the answer but I remember every detail of that episode of Elimidate from the late 90s so that’s awesome.

Oh man, remember NEXT? Same concept. But none of those shows were ever as good as Blind Date, which ended up with all parties making out in a limo hot tub every time. EVERY TIME.

The bowlers arrive back at the hotel and Krystal’s hissy fit continues.

Here’s what she says to a producer in another room:

And America collectively asks, “Are we still talking about bowling? This can’t actually be about bowling.”

And THIS reminds me of the American classic series Forgive or Forget from the late 90s, hosted by Mother Love who would bring on guests who explained that they did a bad thing to someone and Mother Love and the audience would be all like “no you didn’t!” the whole time and then the person would finally make an apology video and they would show it to the person the offender hurt and then at the end of the episode Mother Love would open a door and if the person forgave the offender they would be standing behind the door but if they said “forget it!” instead then there would just be a black screen behind the door and there was one episode where a bridesmaid took home the bride’s wedding cake after the wedding and ate the whole thing and this destroyed their friendship so the bridesmaid went onto the show to apologize and at the end it was just A BLACK SCREEN! and then they showed a video of the bride explaining why she said “forget it!” instead of forgiving the bridesmaid and the bride said that it was because if you can’t trust someone to save your wedding cake for you then you can’t trust them to be your friend and I was emotionally conflicted about this because on the one hand I could totally understand eating the wedding cake but on the other hand I could totally understand never forgiving someone who ate cake that belonged to me.

And you guys, we are still talking about it. Bowling. Not Eli’s thing. Eli’s thing isn’t real.

GOOGLE IT MEGAN!

Krystal declares that she will not be attending the after party, thankyouverymuch, and marches into her room while the rest of the group heads to another part of the hotel.

Arie arrives, doesn’t notice Krystal is gone until someone points it out, looks annoyed,

To be fair, most of these women are so identical that I bet even Krystal didn’t know she was missing.

then remembers that he has to give the viewers what they want, and the viewers want that sweet, sweet, dramz, so he’s off to find Krystal.

I didn’t know this show took place aboard the Enterprise.

Is that a Star Trek joke? Cause you should know that the venn diagram overlap of Bachelor fans and Trekkies is not large.

I’m not totally sure. I’ve never actually seen Star Trek. Just trying to be hip with what the kids are into. 

We are the enablers, you guys. It’s our fault Krystal gets all the screen time. Because it’s what we think we want, all the attention on the crazy all the time, so that’s what they give us, then before you know it, Krystal is running for president, and before we can say “has this maybe gone too far?” she’s won. IT’S HAPPENED BEFORE.

Meg hates female politicians.

Where was I? Oh right. “It’s just bowling,” Arie says, in a tone that actually makes me like him more than I’ve liked him all season.

I hope your bowling league partners don’t watch this episode On Demand tomorrow during dinner at 3:30, Arie.

Arie very clearly wants to wash his hands of this relationship, but is very clearly being told he can’t, because ratings.

Arie’s like, girl, get your life together. He tells Krystal to stay in her room for the night, which is not the groveling Krystal was expecting, and makes his way back downstairs to kiss a lot of other women.

One of those isn’t a “woman” yet, but I see what you’re saying.

Realizing her conversation with Arie didn’t go down the way she wanted it to, Krystal gets gussied up

and heads to the party

but only stays for five seconds because the other women are not having it.

Is Tinkerbell smoking the world’s tiniest cigarette?

So Krystal ungussies, puts the bathrobe back on, and reflects on her life choices.

I’ll be honest, I was annoyed with the W Hotel product placement, but that robe looks real comfy, and I think that should I ever find myself in Fort Lauderdale, I’ll be staying at the W. So good job, TV. You’ve fulfilled the measure of your creation.

Anyway. The date Arie plans for Tia is insulting, at best. He might as well say, “Look, you’re a redneck, so we’re going to spend today doing redneck things.”

We get it. You like Titanic. Move on.

Like spotting gators.

“In a crazy way it reminds me that love can be kind of scary but at the same time every day can be an adventure,” Arie says of spotting gators, and any fondness I felt for him in his handling of the Krystal situation is now gone.

As a contemporary of Robert Frost, I had higher hopes for Arie’s abilities to put together a sensible metaphor.

Arie takes Tia to the terrifying house from the end of True Detective,

and introduces her to some guy name either Gerald or Darryl. I couldn’t catch it.

That’s actually the grandpa from Jurassic Park after he lost all his money.

I have no idea why they are at Gerryl’s house. I’m guessing that the producers forgot that they were filming that day, panicked, and asked the first Ft. Lauderdale local they saw if they could hang out at his house with a tv crew for a while, and Gerryl was like, “sure, I’ll fry my finest frog legs!”

I once visited the 80+ year-old creator of Salvation Mountain (look it up, people) and he told me that some of them “tv-like folks” came to see him once and now he’s mentioned in a “world-wide book” and it took me four days before I realized he was talking about the Internet. The point is, I’m skeptical that Gerryl has any clue what’s going on here.

Over dinner Tia tells Arie she’s falling in love with him, which makes no sense at all and really just bums me out.

It’s been 4 seconds since we checked in with Krystal, so let’s see how she’s holding up.

She spent the last day and a half alone in her room, but as she explains it, “Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself,” which is absolutely what I’m going to say the next time someone catches me in the bathroom, hiding from my kids.

Anyway, it’s the cocktail party, and everyone is talking about Krystal, because that is literally the only interesting thing happening in their lives.

Krystal can hear them talking about her.

This looks like a screenshot from the Total Eclipse of the Heart music video.

Well she does Tuuuuuuuuurn aroooooooooound, walks into the room, and invites the women to talk with her individually,

and is annoyed when they take her up on the offer.

I pray that at the end of this episode Krystal shows up with her own set of roses and starts passing them out.

She claims she’s being attacked,

and says, “I was hoping the girls would give me some compassion but they just wanted to attack me.”

Then she throws pretend glitter, and explains that it was pretend glitter that she just threw.

Is this a “you just had to watch it” thing or does that not make sense no matter how many hours of your life you’ve wasted on this show?

Just be grateful you can’t hear her.

Krystal then heads to find Arie, who appears to be hiding out in Quint’s cabin.

He seems less than stoked to be having another DTR with Krystal, so Krystal pulls out the big guns and says, “the date triggered some painful memories because I GREW UP IN A BOWLING ALLEY.”

And there were bumper cars driven by puppies in there!

I hate myself for being able to make that joke. 

Good joke.

But also, what. WHAT. WHAT?! WHAT IS KRYSTAL TALKING ABOUT?! That has to be a lie, right? A lie that she spent a day and a half concocting alone in her room.

And no one believes it. Not even Arie.

“I grew up in a bowling alley” sounds like the name of a TV show on TLC that I would absolutely watch.

“This is our first fight,” Krystal says in her extra baby sexy baby voice, and Arie says, “It could be our last, too.”

COULD BE??? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THIS IDIOT!? Everyone knows that you NEVER date someone who grew up in a bowling alley!

Then it’s time for the rose ceremony

 

Why don’t more of them just bring their own roses to this thing? It seems like the best way to keep yourself from going home.

in Edgar Alle Poe’s privat lair.

Arie thinks long and hard about whom he will gift the final rose,

until a producer off screen yells, “Krystal or you’re in breach of contract!” so he gives it to Krystal,

leaving Maquel,

Ashley(?),

and the Salt Lakean whose  name I can’t remember,

It’s “Braxtee.”

without.

“If the girls thought that I was a threat before…then watch out ladies,” Krystal says.

Indeed, ladies. Watch out. For next week’s post.

I would watch The Bachelor if it was hosted by Mother Love. 

I would listen to our latest podcast episode if it was hosted by us. Which it is.

 

7 Comments

  1. Slow clap for the jokes in this one. Followed by a standing ovation. It’s amazing how much I love reading these recaps, and how grateful they make me feel that now I don’t have to actually watch the show at all. Real talk now, what would it take to get all the producers fired so we can then collectively get rid of Krystal?

  2. Katie

    I’m sad you didn’t address that one woman’s casual “get to know you” question to Arie about whether or not he’d eat human flesh.

    That part had me guffawing on the couch and plotting ways that I could become that woman’s best friend. But I forgot her name and they all look the same, so my plan probably isn’t going to work out.

      1. I had a super funny joke there. Meg said something about a woman asking the man if he would ever eat human flesh and I said “she could have found that out by just saying ‘do you ever go to Subway’?” and then I laughed and laughed and laughed all by myself and then I asked my dog if he thought it was funny and he walked out of the room so I just kept laughing and laughing omg i’m so lonely.

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