Wow wow wow wow wow wow. I’m gone for one week and our comments section turns into a Quentin Tarantino movie before it’s been toned down for general audiences.
Here’s the thing, guys. Last week’s episode was unwatchable. I literally could not finish it. And I tried multiple times. Eli was brave to even try recapping it alone and I applaud him. It’s not his fault 97 minutes of the episode were spent on a woman who is AFRAID OF PUPPIES. I think. That’s when I couldn’t take it anymore and stopped watching. Also, his laptop was stolen last week, and he still did me the favor of recapping this dumb show because I had a work thing, so guys, be nice. And yes, I realize the hypocrisy of asking you to be nice in a blog whose sole purpose is to poke fun at everyone involved in the production of The Bachelor.
Eli here, crying in Italics. I mean WRITING. OMG where did that come from?
For the record, I believe this show is degrading to women and it appears to me that it’s unwatchable every week. So I’m definitely not sorry for trashing it in last week’s recap. Which means that if you hate me and everything I stand for on TV & Jelly, you should definitely skip everything written in Italics on this post and then sue us for intentional infliction of emotional distress. Go after Meg first. She has the deep pockets. I’ve been to her house and she only buys name-brand mac n’ cheese.
Let’s just all move on, okay?
Anyway. This episode was a major improvement from the last.
It starts with 4 girls whose names I still don’t know sitting and talking about the age difference between Arie and Bekah,
which is 14 years.
As a recent watcher of this television program, I’ma go ahead and help you out: Those women from left to right are: Amber, Lauren I, Lauren Strikes Back, and Return of the Lauren.
Bekah’s tactic is to hypnotize all of us through the use of bathing suits so that by the end of this season we will ALL be pretending to drive a car on stage through the use of silly props.
Krystal is somewhere else in the mansion, talking about how much better she is than everyone else.
I once tried to stay in a hotel in Cancun called “The Krystal” but when I went to check in the guy at the front desk told me that it was spring break, that I didn’t look like the kind of person who would enjoy staying in The Krystal, and that currently everyone in the lobby was being questioned in a murder investigation. So that pretty much tells you everything I rationally think about the Krystal in this show.
That’s not far off at all.
Chris Harrison appears and tells the girls to pack their bags for…
South Lake Tahoe!
Is it just me or did Chris Harrison recently age 17 years and become my father at a barbecue in 1994?
“You guys listened to the new Hootie and the Blowfish yet? Really good stuff. Hot dogs are done!”
The women do their best to not look disappointed that Chris didn’t say Rome.
“Clap your hands if you want me to live!”
So they’re off to Tahoe.
THEY WENT TO THE NEVADA SIDE?! MONSTERS!
I didn’t even know there was a Nevada side.
The women’s accommodations look like a Michael’s Craft Store employee barfed.
I have a theory that the show already blew their budget for the entire season on last week’s Lauren B date so we’re in for more of this from here on out. In the last episode they’re going to have Father Time stay in the No-tell Motel with Tinkerbell.
The first date card arrives,
and Arie whisks Seinne away.
I recently tried to make a cake from scratch because I watch so much TV that baking shows tricked me into thinking this was easy and I was told to “whisk” eggs and something called “castor sugar” for TWENTY-FIVE minutes. Now my right arm could be on the cover of Men’s Health, which was a decent consolation prize next to the piece of crap I presented to my family nine hours later when my mother told me “some people are just really bad at some things and that’s ok.”
Is it wisk? I never know.
The other women respect Arie and Seinne’s privacy
as they paraglide in what must be frigid temperatures.
Are you ready for Seinne’s attempt at turning their activity into a metaphor for commitment? Are you sure you’re ready? It’s a doozy and I feel like I should warn you. But I also tried to warn you about Eli’s recapping style and Eli tried warning you about Eli’s recapping style and you didn’t pay attention and then you got mad in the comments and I’m wondering if you’re actually reading any of this and if I should even bother with these warnings…
Anyway, Seinne, who WENT TO YALE, says,”Parasailing is about letting go and seeing where the wind takes you. And, I think being open to this relationship is kind of similar to that. It’s scary but it’s really exciting and I’m hopeful.”
Can you really pretend that you are trying to “be open to this relationship” when you are actively competing with two dozen identical women for the chance to marry a man who was selected for you?
Arie and Seinne kiss on the beach for a while and we’re dangerously close to seeing some Arie crack.
To be fair, the butt was the most ill-planned part of the human anatomy. The butt would have been better positioned on the stomach. I would die for this belief.
We are going to get some COMMENTS about that one.
I hope I just offended all of the people who have spent their lives advocating for the historical placement of butts.
Like, nine feet away at the lodge, Maquel gets a sad phone call.
And instead of letting her leave in peace, the producers insist on filming her pack her dried roses, as though in her moment of grief she’s actually concerned about the dead plants given to her by some creepy old guy.
Ok, that’s legitimately sad. But also, why did it take a day for someone to call her?
It’s not explained if Maquel will return. I’ll ask her when I inevitably run into her at a local spin studio.
Did you know that that one guy that was on this crap show from Utah a few years ago and I think he nearly won (although I would argue that no one wins on this thing, especially not America) used to go to my gym and someone pointed him out to me once and I was pretty much the worst possible audience for that revelation? Also, Phil Dunphy used to go to that same gym and one time I was running on a treadmill and he went walking by wearing a baseball cap and Modern Family was playing on one of the TVs and I felt like I was living a real life version of The Ring.
For dinner, Arie takes Seinne to a crappy hotel restaurant that probably claims to serve local cuisine but really serves Stouffers.
Arie only sort of listens as Seinne very insightfully explains that it’s difficult for her to believe that this will all end happily, because black women in America are rarely portrayed as having The Fairy Tale.
“Don’t worry. I don’t have racial criteria. I just expect my women to be young enough to not remember 9/11.”
She gets a rose,
then Arie takes her to the whitest musical performance imaginable.
I hear that assertion and I raise you The Tooele Gristmill Pageant, which my family attended one warm summer evening in 2003 and which included FOUR HOURS of lip syncing such lyrical wonders as “a woman’s job is to wash her man” and which successfully rapped a riff by rhyming the words “spiritual” with “familial” and which contained no less than FIVE unintentional references to incest.
The next group date card arrives and it reads, “Will our love survive?”
The oly name not listed on the card is Bekah’s, which means Bekah gets the one-on-one date.
Bekah is the first actor in history to be cast as both Tinkerbell AND one of the lost boys in the same season.
All the others join Arie and hike to meet some lady, and Lars,
from the 1995 cinematic masterpiece Heavyweights.
Lars instructs everyone to pee in a Hydroflask, and Arie pretends to drink his.
I got nothin.
And you guys, some girls almost drink their pee thinking that they need to in order to impress Arie and it’s very sad.
Every time Meg says the word “thinking” in reference to an action taken by someone on this show an uncontrollable laugh comes out of my face with enough force to end world hunger.
Then Lars tells them all they need to eat worms to survive this twenty minutes in the wilderness,
and Kendall is legit stoked. “I’m down to eat bugs. I’ve eaten bugs before,” Kendall says. Her and Arie both drop one down the hatch, AND THEN THEY KISS,
I kissed someone who had halitosis once and now I’m a Catholic priest.
Lars hands each woman a backpack,
and instructs them to break into teams and climb some rocks.
It goes about as well as you’d expect.
“This compass is broken cause it keeps moving.”
Arie’s on one of the teams, which doesn’t really seem fair, and he and Krystal start canoodling in the destination hot tub before the other teams have even figured out how to work their compasses.
I know we aren’t supposed to comment on people’s bodies at TV & Jelly because something about dignity and Meg gave me a huge lecture in the scariest dragon voice I’ve ever heard, but I just want to point out that every single one of the women on this show are in phenomenally better shape than Old Willow and this is just another reason I cannot understand why they put up with this.
It’s okay if you’re saying nice things about their bodies.
I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY A NICE THING!
Tia and Caroline lightly mock Arie and Krystal and their very public display of affection.
And Krystal is not having it.
“I’m so above this and beyond this,” she says.
I’m just shocked that she knows two prepositions.
Later, Arie makes out with one of the Laurens.
I hope he refers to her as “one of the Laurens” to her face.
Then Kendall, who has hopefully brushed her teeth.
Then Krystal goes full berserk.
and tells Arie just how poorly she’s been treated. She’s talking about the hot tub incident. Which wasn’t an incident at all.
She confronts her “bullies”, and they respond with “Really dude?”
which is appropriate.
Tia, the bully that isn’t, gets the last laugh
and a kiss
and the rose.
Isn’t there an Aesop fable about the emu that overplays the victim card?
Krystal hasn’t read it.
“I feel like it’s hard for me to really shine and show who I am while trying not to be intimidating to the girls I spend the majority of time with,” Krystal says.
Look, I know that often these quotes are taken out of context and edited to paint certain girls in a particularly bad light…but Krystal seems legit mean, no?
But enough about Krystal. Let’s talk about Bekah, whose date card reads, “I’m looking for a stable relationship,” because this show has stopped trying.
If you had shown me the above photo without any context I would have immediately assumed it was a picture of weekend dad trying to make up for only seeing the family twice a year by taking his son on an outing.
Arie still doesn’t know how old Bekah is,
but that doesn’t stop him from swapping spit with her in a hot tub in the middle of the woods.
Later, over dinner and beverages Bekah is only barely old enough to drink,
Bekah reveals that she is 22.
SHE. IS. STILL. LYING.
Arie spends all of 30 seconds debating how morally reprehensible it is for him to keep this relationship going,
and lands on not very, which is not a decision I agree with, but Bekah is the person I like most this season so I’m only sort of mad.
For reference, Tinkerbell was born when I was in middle school. The man she is trying to marry on network television is older than me.
The next evening the women are expecting to see Arie for their cocktail party, but instead they see Chris Harrison,
who tells them there will be no cocktail party.
Instead, there’s gonna be a BaRbEcUe!
“Did you catch Seinfeld last night? That Kramer, I tell you what. Who wanted their burger rare?”
this announcement is met with shock
and Krystal, who maybe finally realizes she’s been a turd, asks to speak with Arie for just a moment which isn’t fair but there are no rules and this show makes no sense, so whatever.
All’s fair in big love and war, Megan.
The other women roll their eyes and have a seat while Krystal and Arie talk about absolutely nothing,
Weird that they didn’t edit out the three people pooping together over on the left.
then Arie returns and sends home Brittany,
Neither are necessarily upset to be leaving. They’re just upset Krystal is staying. And that’s the essence of the entire show, really.
We’ll see you next week if you haven’t murdered us in the comments by then.