Eli here. A little while ago Meg was all like “I’m going to be busy eleven hundred weeks from now so you’re going to need to watch The Bachelor and recap it without me” and I was all like “I’m hoping to be dead by then” and she was like “please stop making everything so difficult” and she said that last part in her scary dragon voice so now I’m going to watch The Bachelor and recap it without her.
Two things you should know: this is only the second ever episode I’ve ever seen of this show. The last time I watched this thing was when Meg asked me to recap the season premiere for her sometime last year and then I paid my therapist $10,000 for the rest of 2017.
Thing number two, despite the fact that Meg made me put this in my calendar and then swear a blood oath that I would fulfill my assignment so she can continue to feed her children off of the backs of two dozen vapid people who are simultaneously attempting to launch their careers in social media, I absolutely forgot about this. So on Monday I texted Meg “when is that crap show on that I’m supposed to watch for you” and Meg texted back with so much anger that several of you just got pregnant and she was angry because that crap show had already been on for 30 minutes. So I immediately started recording it. Ok. Not immediately. But after giving my puppy so much belly rubs and then drinking a glass of water and then looking in the mirror like 5 times because I love myself and I won’t apologize for it, THEN I started recording the show.
What all of this means is that I’m starting the 90 minute nonsense on somewhere around minute 40 but I promise you that this does not matter because that premiere I had to watch that one time was TWO FREAKING HOURS LONG and NOTHING happened during that entire two hours unless you consider a bunch of dudes sitting around in a circle flexing their biceps at each other and saying things like “my real estate business is super fly” to be something, which I don’t.
Ok, so I just looked over my shoulder to make sure none of my neighbors were looking through my windows and then I hit play.
The middle aged man is talking about how proud he is of all of these “girls” and normally I would take exception to this title but compared to him they are children and if I knew nothing about this nonsense and I flipped it on to the scene that’s currently playing I would legit think this was a show about adoption.
Then out of nowhere this blonde woman is all like “can I talk to you alone” and I think she’s going to ask him if they can go steady but instead they just start inexplicably making out and this is kind of crazy because Daddy Warbucks is on a date with like 40 other women.
Yeah. I took a picture of my TV with my phone and I didn’t even stand up to do it. Get over it.
Then she’s all “on these group dates should I be more aggressive” and John McCain is all “you just be you girlfriend,” and I’ma just go out on a limb here and guess that “be yourself” is terrible advice to give to anyone who is cast by the producers to be on this show.
Then this dark-haired woman who I think is named Bibiana comes in and brags about how respectful she is to others and how she doesn’t like that there are other women around.
I don’t know if that one is Bibiana but it doesn’t matter.
Real question here: Did none of these women know before all of this that they were going to be competing with two dozen identical teenagers to see who ends up married to Bernie Sanders?
Anyway, then the first blonde woman who is supposed to be herself goes back to the other women and they DO NOT like her which is crazy considering how they all have the same interests.
Meanwhile, back in some trailer, Regis Philbin is talking to a different(?) woman about how he was there to comfort her earlier in the day when apparently they were wrestling. Then he starts making out with her.
Wait, I think that one might be Bibiana.
I am so getting a raise.
Back in the main house, a bunch of female real estate agents and professional photographers await a message for Lauren S (I assume most of them are named Lauren and that’s why the last initial?). She has been invited by Warren Jeffs to go on a date alone with him and Lauren S is all “peace out sista wives” and the rest of them are not happy about this.
Then, without any explanation whatsoever, Roy Moore is in the trailer with Tinkerbell and she’s telling him about her longest relationship, which lasted from first period all the way to third, but she’s had like four weeks to recover so she’s pretty ready to win The Bachelor.
Oh, and then they start making out.
Then Dick Clark comes back to the house and gives a rose to Tinkerbell and says something about how she’s a WCW wrestler and I don’t know what the rose means but I do know that this blonde woman is NOT happy about it:
You guys know that this show is only like 6 minutes long when you take out all of the “coming up next” and quick recaps that happen before and after every commercial break, right? I’m not the only person who sees through this?
Also, every commercial is a preview for another show in The Bachelor franchise so that’s a sad thing about America.
Up next a couple of women are having such a boring conversation that I’m not going to lie to you: I fast-forwarded a little.
And now it’s time for Lauren S’s date and she packs a suitcase that is so large that you can see it from space which is either incredibly presumptuous or a sign of being terrible or it’s definitely both of those things.
So they fly on a private jet to Napa to drink wine and I’m super happy for them because the one thing these poor people have needed is an opportunity to drink alcohol.
So they go to some winery and Lauren S describes this as “a very Lauren S date” and considering that the fair market value of this date is somewhere around $30,000 this definitely means that no one should ever try to date Lauren S.
Also, I appreciate that she refers to herself as “Lauren S.”
Then they sit down and drink wine and have the DUMBEST conversation about how much they sleep and Lauren S is all “we are so good at talking. We are like so on the same page.”
Later that night they are drinking 30 more bottles of wine together and Lauren S is all like “I think you’re like a wine connoisseur” and the old guy is all “no, I just like wine a lot” and she’s all “hahahaha giggle giggle” OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE WHY AM I SPENDING MY EVENING WATCHING THIS
Then Lauren S starts rambling and the guy is clearly not listening because he hasn’t had to have a conversation that wasn’t exactly about him in however-long-this-damn-season-has-been-going.
Then the women get another letter so they send the one who can read to open it and the letter uses basic words so several of them are able to comprehend it and a few of them are invited to go do something with dogs and this causes this one blonde woman who hasn’t discovered food yet to start freaking out.
Then Lauren S’s date keeps happening and I want to throw myself through a window made of fire.
Then that guy who went to high school with my father tells her that he can’t give her a rose because she’s too interested in talking about things that aren’t him. Or something.
So I guess that means that Lauren S is getting sent home and I hope she stole some stuff from The Bachelor house.
Dear Lord they have an orchestra in this house playing a sad song as he walks back in from saying goodbye to Lauren S.
I have so much hate in my heart for this show that I’ve actually secured my place in hell.
AT LEAST I CAN GET TO KNOW ALL OF THESE PEOPLE WHILE I’M THERE.
Up next, the dog date, which is how many people have described their dates with me.
Ba dum ching.
I’m not going to lie to you, I had to do a lot of fastforwarding because my puppy was FREAKING OUT during this entire scene because he’s just barely too dumb to understand that dogs on TV are not in our house and have a zero percent chance of eating his food.
That’s him (the black one) with his best friend, Mr. Ollie Pants.
But in all of my fast forwarding I did notice that that one skinny woman got a flashback scene about a dramatic childhood experience with dogs.
I refuse to say anything else about the dog date.
And I fast forwarded through a whole other thing because I’m losing the will to live here. But in my fast forwarding I see that the grandpa from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory makes out with at least one more of the women.
Then he’s supposed to give another rose to someone so he gives it to that blonde beyotch and the other women don’t love this choice.
After another commercial break the guy comes back in and does a recap of the week with all of the women, way overusing the word “awesome,” and he explains that he’s like so super excited to drink with all of them.
Then I just kept fast forwarding because it’s getting late and I can’t and I destroyed a door while putting in a new floor in my basement tonight and I can’t even begin to explain to you how that happened and it still doesn’t make any sense to me but I proved to myself once and for all that I am really bad at spatial reasoning skills and I’m pretty sure my neighbors are going to chase me out of town for using a table saw at 9:30 PM AND I’M SORRY OK.
Finally there’s a rose ceremony.
There’s a super annoying speech about hard decisions and these people have never known adversity.
Ross from Friends starts handing out roses and he gives one to everyone except for Bibiana.
And that’s pretty much it.
Look. Meg is going to be back next week so you can ask for your money back then.
P.S. If you want to hear Meg yell at Eli for JUST BEING HIMSELF, check out our latest episode of Strangerville in the player below: