The Bachelor Week 1: Salt and Pepper

Hello and welcome to Week 1 of The Geriatric Bachelor. I’m Meg and I’ll be one of your co-guides through this complete dumpster fire of an episode, which starts with like, a 20-minute recap of Arie’s failed relationship with Emily, 5 YEARS AGO. IN OBAMA’S FIRST TERM.

Arie was the change he was waiting for. Also, this is Eli. I’ll post some comments below in Italics so you don’t think Meg is the one saying profanities and general irreverences. She has an image to keep. 

Like so many of us who have lived through the last half-decade, Arie now has gray hair.

Have you also had an ulcer since November, 2016, Arie?

He also has what he describes to be a flourishing, brand new career as a realtor (sure), and what appears to be a very intimate friendship (ie, hasn’t seen them since 2012) with Sean, Catherine, and their very cute child.

Having never watched one second of The Bachelor besides that dark time when Meg got drafted to Vietnam and she threatened to post photos of me during my figure skating years if I didn’t recap this show in her stead, I have no idea who or what these people are. But it does appear that if that child is a girl, she is nearly old enough to be in Arie’s dating pool. 

Arie also has a very expensive car in a very ugly color,

which he drives to Bachelor Mansion where he will meet his ladies in waiting.

I have it on good authority he was listening to Spice Girl’s Wannabe on the way.

He seems more like an Ace of Bass kind of guy to me.

But first we have to catch up Chris Harrison, who describes Arie as, “the best kisser we’ve ever had on this show,”

and it’s weird.

Based on the one episode I’ve seen, Chris Harrison is so inconsequential that I guarantee they could replace him with a black woman and no one would notice.

That would be a marked improvement, actually.

Before Arie can meet the ladies, we need to get through the video introductions. Not every women has a video, but there is a video for every type of women in Bachelor Universe.

First: The Mom. We know she’s a mom cause she’s doing mom things, like cleaning her kid’s room.

This is clearly a staged mess. A small, controlled mess, made by an adult for the purposes of showing The Mom doing mom things. If this were a mess made by a child, the books would not be tidily sitting in their wicker holders, but instead would be strewn across the room. The banker boxes would be neither stacked nor lidded, rather, toppled and lidless, their contents spilling onto the floor below. The bike would not be neatly placed in a safe corner where nary an unsuspecting adult might trip over it, but instead would be in the backyard, getting soaked by sprinklers, even though the child to whom the bike belongs has been told REPEATEDLY that if he leaves the bike in the backyard, the bike will get soaked by the sprinklers. Also, if this were a mess made by a real child and not a prop stylist, there would be yogurt smeared somewhere in the floor, no fewer than three Target stickers half torn off furniture, and one shoe visible from every pair of shoes the child owns.

Is that a piece of poop on the bed?

Also, a few weeks ago Meg posted a picture on Instagram of a doll leg sticking out of an open refrigerator and captioned it “when does school start back up?” and that picture gave me life for five days. Mostly because it looked exactly like the end of a bad date I had once. 

That wasn’t a doll leg. That was my actual child’s leg.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Are you serious?!?! I’ma post that picture now so these people will know what we’re talking about. (Is this even considered a post about The Bachelor anymore?)

Can I get an amen that that looks like a doll leg? I also just noticed for the first time that you can see a sliver of her hair and shirt from above. This child is my spirit animal. 

Anyone who foolishly thought this might be an actual, informative blog about The Bachelor left a long time ago.

Next we meet The Career Woman, a realtor who wears side-boob bandage dresses to show clients homes in the middle of the day.

Don’t dress for the job you have, Meg. Dress for the job you want. 

So…fancy stripper?

No. An actress from the 90s in a movie about a working woman trying to make it in the big city. She has a very specific goal.

To be a fancy stripper. Like Christina Aguilera in Burlesque, a movie I’ve actually seen but only because I was on an airplane and it was Burlesque or the trivia game that always thrusts upon me the startling realization that I am, in fact, dumber than most other passengers. So, obviously, I chose Burlesque, and now that I’m typing this I understand that it’s because I make choices like watching Burlesque that I am dumber than the average passenger on any given flight.

Anyway, OMG, you guys- Arie is a realtor too! Think of the romantic conversations they could have over insane amounts of paperwork!

Most of those conversations would sound like this: “And then I got paid $30,000 for unlocking a door!”

The Career Woman is wearing those power bracelets that were huge in 1998 and allegedly channeled energies like “calm” and “focused.” They were super cheap in Chinatown when I visited San Francisco for the first time so I bought 12 and they all broke at once and I had to pick up 249 beads off of my family’s kitchen floor.

Next, The Utah Girl We All Know, a photographer, shooting a wedding outside the Provo Temple.

I’m just so glad we finally have a photographer in Utah.

She’s shooting a wedding in Utah County outside a Mormon temple, which makes her literally 75% of my acquaintances and I am POSITIVE that I have seen this person before, probably shopping at Soel Boutique, and envied her hair.

Next, The Adventurer, falling out of an airplane.

She’s also The Nurse, and says, “the more blood the better,” when it comes to emergency situations, so I’d maybe avoid whatever hospital at which she is employed should you find yourself in an emergency situation.

Vampire nurse. Got it.

She hasn’t updated her headphones since the late 80s.

I’ve read that joke four times and I just got it.

Next, The Country Bumpkin, from Weiner, Arkansas.

She’s friends with Raven, who if you remember, owns her own boutique. And you guys, I’m sorry to report that the clothes in that boutique are ATROCIOUS at BEST.

That actually surprises me because I always thought that if you’re skinny, young, and pretty, you have a natural ability to be a successful fashion designer. 

“You are like so cute.” “No, you are like so cute.” “Whatever. Look at you. You are like so cute.” The point is, both of these women have devoted their lives to academia.

I mean…

 

Raven.

Honey.

No.

Stop.

STOP.

I’m just so happy to see that The Blouse Barn is expanding.

Next, The Weirdo in her Den of the Dead. She’s into taxidermy. It’s not explained if she herself does the taxidermy, or just collects taxidermy. I’m not sure which one makes me more uncomfortable, TBH.

I hope the above photo is foreshadowing and this whole season ends like the Carrie prom scene. 

It’s too early to tell if this is some adorkable quirky shiz, or if this girl is straight-up bonkers.

Like, I could see her being the next Manic Pixie Dream Girl, but I could also see her murdering her neighbor and storing his toes in her fridge, if you know what I mean.

There is no possible way that that sitting position on that tree with those shoes while holding a ukulele is even remotely comfortable or natural.

But it is flattering and that’s all that matters, Eli.

I get it. I once did that thing where you lean against a wall with one hand to look cool for an entire day to try to get someone on the street to ask me on a date. 

How’d that go?

I didn’t get any dates, but I did learn a lot about myself. Also I was eventually held hostage by a homeless man running from a cop. So you could say I was the true winner of my own game.

I could but I won’t.

Next, The Nanny, who looks just old enough to earn $3 an hour babysitting.

I’m actually not kidding here: is the person in the back the nanny or one of the children the nanny tends? Like, is that person 7 or 25?

No yeah, there’s no way she’s over 18 years old.

18? That girl is so young that China is trying to recruit her for its Olympic gymnastics team.

Next, The Sexy Bad A, boxing in the middle of Liberty Park, which makes us 3 for 3 on reality show contestants from my great city visiting one of our scariest communal gathering grounds. (The latest contestant on Project Runway, Bachelorette Contestant whose name I can’t remember, and now Kim Kardashian’s body double. I’m also probably missing someone)

Considering that there are no fire dancers or homeless people peeing in the background, I can only assume that the above was made possible through impressive CGI.

Also, this post has helped me realize that we might have a homeless situation in Salt Lake City.

Here she is crossing the very bridge where I once nearly stepped on a sleeping meth addict.

Not pictured: the stench of duck feces that is so overpowering that she actually had to get a lung transplant after this photo was taken.

Utah! This is the plaaaaaaace!

Next, The Coach

Can you imagine anything worse than dating a fitness guru? What if I told you she also talks endlessly about her volunteer work with the homeless?

Can I take another second to just be pissed that this show doesn’t even pretend to try to include age-appropriate women? Weren’t men finally defeated in 2017? How is this still a thing?

If you must. But hurry, cause it’s time for 3 hours worth of unbelievably uncomfortable introductions.

3 HOURS?! This better be hyperbole. 

Yes, but only barely.

The first woman to step out of the limo, Boobs McBooberson, (I can’t believe her parents had enough foresight to name her that)

makes a terrible play on words about real estate, and that really sets the tone for the 28 other women.

Let me guess: “I’m a realtor, and just so you know, realtors need closure.” (I should be on this show)

Raven’s friend hands Arie a little weiner, you know, cause she’s from Weiner, Arkansas, and this is a horse that just won’t die no matter how many times it’s been beaten with a stick.

Could you imagine if you only had one thing, and that was your thing?

Fitness Coach makes Arie do some sort of zen breathing nonsense.

I can’t imagine being friends with this person and not wanting to tear my hair out, let alone being romantically involved.

What is going on with the back of her dress? If it continues in that direction the base will have a nine-foot diameter. 

You know what they say, the bigger the dress, the bigger the dress.

The Nanny drives up in this:

And the Bachelor people REFUSE TO TELL US HOW OLD SHE IS.

No age listed. Reprehensible.

“I may be young, but I can still appreciate something classic,” she says. SHE’S TALKING ABOUT THE OLD MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF HER. THAT IS SO GROSS HE IS SO OLD I HATE THIS.

This dress and the fact that they don’t tell us her age supports my conspiracy theory mentioned last post that Bekah is the actual Tinkerbell. “Nanny?” . . . OF THE LOST BOYS??? Also, if you rearrange the letters in “Bekah M.” you can spell “fairy.” COINCIDENCE?!

This lady gives him a gratitude rock,

which is not a thing.

I wish that instead that was a piece of food and she would eat it.

No one eats on this show. Ever. You really should start watching if you plan to continue doing this.

It’s like Survivor but with more STDs.

There’s a forced proposal,

4 Laurens, more boobs,

There are now more real estate agents on The Bachelor than there are listed homes in America. 

and lots of really terrible race-car puns.

Then, an actual race car,

chauffeuring the human embodiment of my social media feed: Maquel with a Q.

I bet Maquel had a season pass to 7 Peaks for the gap between 7th and 8th grade and that her mom let her wear a 2-piece from Called to Surf and her boyfriend was named Wes and they ate Dip n Dots every day. AM I PROJECTING MY OWN MIDDLE SCHOOL INSECURITIES ON THIS POOR GIRL WHO’S NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO ME JUST BECAUSE I WAS A DORK AT 13? YES. But her being on this show gives me license to do so. It’s a law. Look it up.

WHY IS THERE A 23-YEAR-OLD CHILD BEING FED TO A MIDDLE-AGED MAN ON LIVE TV AND NO ONE IS STOPPING THIS ARE WE IN THE HUNGER GAMES NOW.

For every flashy entrance, this chick, Chelsea, has shade to throw:

She’s practically a pergola by the time all 29 ladies have arrived.

Homegirl could use a good hair brushing.

But did you get my shade joke?

No?

Once everyone is gathered in the same room, Arie walks in, cracks some jokes,

and thanks the women for taking time out of their lives to be with him, as though they’re all there to build a school for orphans and not advance their modeling/acting/social-media-influencing careers.

OMG LOOK AT THAT MAN HE IS MIDDLE AGED IS THIS A SHOW ABOUT A DADDY WARBUCKS TRYING FIND A LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE TO ADOPT THIS MUST BE ILLEGAL SOMEONE STOP THIS MADNESS!

Arie’s just finished his speech when Chelsea whisks him away BUT THEN Maquel with a Q, who probably always wrote “Athletic” on her list of qualities she’s looking for in a future husband during that mutual activity, steals him away, and Chelsea is MAD and talking smack about Maquel with a Q, to all the other women.

Joke’s on both of them, though, cause burgundy dress has managed to corner Arie for a fireside chat.

Meg, this is getting so icky to me that I feel like I’m supposed to report something to the FBI. Can you give me some historical context here? Is the age difference always this disgusting? I mean, I’m sure there are non-creepy relationships between father-figures and recent high-school grads out there somewhere, but the producers rounded up nearly-teenage strangers to make up the dating pool for someone who looks like he’s almost 40. Do they always do this? What about on The Bachelorette? What does the age difference look like then? 

I mean, it’s exceptionally bad this season. Or at least his graying hair makes it seem worse than usual. But it’s always a little rough in terms of age disparity. Can we get back to pretending that we’re not part of the problem by watching this crime unfold before our eyes now?

When your uncle is one day asking out my yet-to-be-born daughter, I’ll have myself partly to blame.

Most of these very young women manage to talk to Arie with essentially no dramz at all. One of them even manages a kiss:

It looks like they are standing in a Barbie car.

They are. I forgot to talk about that. They raced Barbie cars. It was very dumb.

When satire becomes reality.

Things are generally pretty chill UNTIL, Chris Harrison delivers The First Impression Rose,

and everyone loses their damn minds. Well, okay, mostly just Chelsea goes bananas, and moves in to speak to Arie a second time.

I hate myself for kind of knowing what The First Impression Rose is.

Chelsea then plants a VERY open-mouthed kiss.

This looks like a scene on The Discovery Channel when they show the female praying mantis eating the male after they mate. 

It was worse when their mouths were actually moving.

You ruined this for me, Meg. I was perfectly happy imagining that in the above-pictured photo they were just holding perfectly still in that position.

Sorry.

The other women are none too pleased to learn that The Real Slim Shady had a second interlude.

AND THEN, YOU GUYS, ARIE GIVES CHELSEA THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE AND WE’RE ALL LIKE

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES! 

Either this was a producer’s doing, or Arie is as dumb as he looks.

Chelsea accepts the rose, obviously,

and then it’s time for the rose ceremony.

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir has never looked so glamorous. 

Some women get roses,

Both Utahns, REPRESENT!!!!

and some do not

Tears are shed,

regrets expressed,

and it’s another Bachelor season premiere for the books.

Maybe next week we’ll try and learn some more names. Maybe not.

Amber. They are all named Amber.

 

6 Comments

  1. Amanda

    You’re back?! I just thought I’d check your site to be sure and I’m so happy you’re doing recaps. Hilarious recap as usual. Thank you for doing these recaps!
    I don’t know if I should be proud or disgusted that Maquel represents most of my Utah friends. If one more of my friends posts that she’s starting her own photography business…
    Do you think Tinkerbell’s parents had to co-sign for her to come on the show? Maybe that’s why they can’t post her age.
    It’s sad that some of these girls weren’t even born when the Bachelor originally started.

    Also, loved the child/doll leg in the fridge pic.

  2. Julie

    Thrilled that you and Eli are amusing us again this season, in spite of our clearly poor effort to send enough cash to compensate for your genius comedic talent. If I were rich, I would hire you full time to entertain my family and friends.

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