Alright, I lied. I’m back.
Because when I saw that the Bachelor contestant bios were out, I couldn’t NOT write about them.
So here I am, ready to introduce you to the ladies of Arie’s season, with the help of Eli McCann, who hates The Bachelor more than Arie hates dating age-appropriate women.
This is Eli. I’m going to write my part in Italics so that later when TV & Jelly gets sued for defamation Meg will be able to identify me as the offender and take it out of my pay. She gets to do that because she’s in charge now since this is the year of women. Meg actually had all of the men at TV & Jelly sign an agreement waiving all of our Constitutional rights as punishment for the transgressions of our gender. I don’t even have the right to remain silent anymore. Which is why I’m now spending my Wednesday evening writing about The Bachelor.
Also, full disclosure, I do not plan to watch one second of this show this entire season. Absolutely 100% of what I have to say will be based on whatever screen-shots Meg sends me.
Wow, thanks for giving us a year in month 12.
Anyway, meet The Bachelorettes:
Ali: Personal stylist, straightest edges I’ve ever seen on eyebrows, 9 years younger than Arie. Ali admits she listens to Nickelback so Ali is clearly courageous.
That necklace is too small to see very clearly but as best as I can make out, it says “Federalist.” I respect that, Ali. And I look forward to many thoughtful conversations this season with the other house bunnies about the virtues and vices of limited government and the plight of the lower classes.
Amber: Business owner, Coloradan, 7 years younger than Arie. If Amber could have lunch with any three people dead or alive she would choose Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs, and her grandpa. There’s no way that lunch ends with all parties on good terms.
Ok. Until I started reading these recaps I legitimately thought every woman on the Bachelor was named Amber.
Also, you guys do realize that Amber passed up on the following people for Kim Kardanshian: absolutely anyone else in the world.
Annaliese: Event Designer, watches Futurama, 5 years younger than Arie, which is fine, I guess.
“I no longer respect myself.” -Annaliese’s eyes
Ashley: Real Estate Agent, can’t live without Spotify, 11 years younger than Arie (yikes). One of Ashley’s favorite movies is The Family Stone which is a solid, often over-looked choice.
Considering that Ashley is a teenager, “hasn’t lived without Spotify” would be the correct term here, Meg.
Becca K.: Publicist, tattooed, 9 years younger than Arie. She mentions Sister Act 2, not only as one of her favorite movies, but also as one of her favorite soundtracks?
I resent the question mark there, Meg. “If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere, you better wake up and paaaaay attention.” Sister Act II was like a father to me. It is a flawless film with exactly zero plot holes. When Lauren Hill’s mom told Lauren Hill that there are plenty of people out on the streets “singin’ their shoulda woulda couldas!” and she best get her mind back in them books, I gave up on my dreams. And when Lauren Hill defied her mother’s wishes and went to the State Championship where Whoopi told all the kids to take off their robes and she could do that because she’s not a man and this was the 90s and Lauren Hill’s mom went and sat in the audience, prepared to murder Lauren Hill after the competition, but then everyone came out and did an impromptu musical rendition of Joyful! Joyful! which included rapping “G.O.D. yeah you know me!” and they brought. the. house. down. and then the judges came back and declared them winners and then the Catholic people that came from corporate were like “we can’t shut this school down because we have to start preparing for next year’s competition!” and then the kids were like “Whoopi, we heard that you’re a Vegas showgirl” and Whoopi’s all “I have never been a showgirl. I’m a headliner.” and then Lauren Hill’s mom is like “shut up baby. Gurl, you can sing!” I legit *cried.* So don’t question mark Sister Act II, lady.
Look, I get that it’s a good movie, a cinematic treasure even, I’m just worried that Becca K. was victim to some sort of kidnapping situation wherein there was only one VHS in the dark cellar where she was trapped, and that VHS was Sister Act 2 because it seems like it’s the only movie she’s ever seen.
THEN SHE’S LUCKY.
Bekah M.: I AM HERE FOR THAT PIXIE CUT. But wait- her age isn’t listed, which can only mean that her and Arie’s age difference is egregious and I don’t like that.
Fun fact, Bekah’s bikini top (pictured above) was used as part of Tinkerbell’s costume in the 90s hit classic “Hook” staring Robin Williams and Erin Brockovich.
Bibiana: is a name I guess? She’s an executive assistant from Florida, and she’s 6 years younger than Arie. “Wish I could be art,” is a quote from Bibiana…so…
There were actually 7 Bibianas in my high school graduating class. Just kidding! No one named Bibiana has ever graduated from high school.
Bri: Sports Reporter, also has alarmingly straight-edged eyebrows, 11 years younger than Arie (gross). She won an Emmy, so this show feels like a weird career move.
Every time this show makes a sports pun about Bri this season, I want you to think about me and how much I hate it.
Brittane J.: Wait, there’s more than one Brittane?
This Brittane is a marketing manager from California and she’s 9 years younger than Arie. Her fantasy lunch guests include Whitney Houston, Beyonce, and Bernie Sanders. Sure.
Oh you’re a fan of Bernie Sanders, Brittane? Name five of her songs.
Brittany: Tech recruiter, from South Carolina, 6 years younger than Arie. She calls the last two men she dated “terrible human beings.” I love a girl who can hold a grudge.
Another federalist on our hands! The 18th century politics in this show are on fire this season.
Caroline: Realtor, tall, 10 years younger than Arie. Caroline won Massacusetts Teen USA in 2008, and is still talking about it, kind of like how I’m still talking about the time I took second place in the bagging competition at the grocery store where I worked in 2003.
For reference, Caroline won Teen USA only one year after Miss South Carolina told us about such as the maps and Slater’s face was like “WTF.” Also, Meg, I’m getting really tired of having to find out about your achievements from TV blogs.
Chelsea: Real Estate Executive Assistant, lover of sweets, 7 years younger than Arie. When asked which city she finds most romantic, she responds with France.
7 years younger than Arie? So Arie is now 47?
Okay I didn’t want to say it, but you did, so…she totally looks like some high schooler’s hot mom, right?!
She looks like some high schooler’s mom in the 90s!
Jenny: Graphic Designer, 5’4, 11 years younger than Arie. Jenny is afraid of picking the wrong person to marry, which must be why she’s decided to compete with 28 other girls to get engaged to a man after spending 3 hours total in his company.
Meg just perfectly described the dating process at BYU.
Jessica: Television Host, Canadian, 10 years younger than Arie. “Kissing is my favorite food,” Jessica says. Poor girl’s never tried a funnel cake I guess.
“Also for breakfast I suck on one ice cube made from spinach water. I’m currently being held up by tent poles.”
Kendall: Creative Director, Californian, 10 years younger than Arie. Kendall collects taxidermy. Her ex once gave her an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar, which is 100% the plot of a ghost story I heard around a campfire once.
Illuminati! The Federalists have some intellectual competition!
Krystal: Fitness Coach, from Montana, 7 years younger than Arie. If Krystal could be any animal, she would be a unicorn because “Those who believe in magic will find it.” What?
If the travel ban prevented certain Americans from leaving the country and representing the U.S. abroad, I would absolutely support it.
Lauren G.: Executive Recruiter, Indianan, 10 years younger than Arie. Lauren’s favorite show is This is Us, so we can’t trust her because that show IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE AND I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THIS.
Meg is just jealous because her family doesn’t speak in 5-minute perfectly-worded, life-changing monologues every time they communicate with one another. Also, have they killed the dad yet? Can they make that happen finally so everyone can move on?
Oh my gosh yes, just kill the dad already.
Lauren J.: Recent Masters Graduate, Louisianan, Only 3 years younger than Arie. She says she can’t live without “mama,” but doesn’t clarify if she means her mama, or like, some sort of mama that lives within us all? But you know what, she’s from Louisiana, and now that I say it in a southern accent, I think she means her mama.
I’m positive she meant it exactly how Queen Latifa meant it in Chicago when she was like “when you’re good to mama, mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’s good to yoouuuuuuu!” and then they killed all the men. Now that I think about it, 2002 might have been the year of women.
YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR YEAR, MEG. STOP TAKING MY RIGHTS AWAY.
Lauren S. AKA 4th Lauren: Social Media Manager, Dallas native, 5 years younger than Arie. If Lauren could be any animal, she would be an otter, because, “Everyone loves you and you just swim around and cuddle all day,” and I thought that was the most depressing thing I’d ever read until I read that if Lauren The Fourth could be someone else for just one day, she would choose, “literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad.”
I heard that Taylor Swift is now sometimes being referred to as “T Swift” by some in the in crowd and it appears she may be in some sort of feud with that Kanyay West character and his beau Karen Kardashian. Stay tuned to TV & Jelly for more of the latest gossip as this hot drama unfolds!
Maquel: OMG she’s from Utah! And she is soooooo from Utah. I mean, her name is Maquel. And she’s a “photographer.” Half my Instagram feed is artsy photos of well-dressed children taken by pretty mormon blonds whose names I can’t pronounce.These are my people. Maquel is 13 years younger than Arie and that makes me want to barf.
Literally every joke one could make about Maquel is low-hanging fruit. And every sing one of them is funny. But I can’t make any of them in case I need Maquel to photog my entire wedding for $75 one day.
Low-haning Fruit is actually the name of Maquel’s blog. Also, $75 is only going to get you a mini-session.
Nysha: Orthopedic Nurse, good listener, 6 years younger than Arie. I’m really enjoying Nysha’s face in this photo. She thinks this show is just as stupid as the rest of us do.
Nysha looks like a Survivor contestant on the last day. She’s the one telling the jury that she deserved to make it to the end because her strategy was to not do anything.
Olivia: Marketing Associate, has a tattoo on her hand, 13 years younger than Arie, as in, part of and entirely different generation. Olivia’s favorite book of all time is 50 Shades of Gray and I just really don’t think she’s old enough to be reading something so adult.
I’ma give y’all some perspective here. When the American classic film Titanic was released, Olivia was 3 years old. Arie was driving a car to prom. Based on everything I know about the two of them, neither has aged mentally since then.
Seinne: Commercial Real Estate Manager, Californian, 9 years younger than Arie. When asked to name her favorite show, Seinne says, “Game of Thrones, even though I’m often confused,” which could easily be the GOT tagline.
Additionally, when asked who her favorite GOT character is, Seinne replied “um . . . probably Thrones.”
Tia: Tia is a Physical Therapist from a town called WEINER, Arkansas. I would have loved to have been at the meeting where that name was chosen. What town council approved Weiner? Why did no one speak up? Does the entire town think the name is as hilarious as I do and just wanted to make everyone write weiner when sending them mail? If so, I respect that. And so long as we’re talking about human anatomy, I would like to ask Tia where she buys her bras because my bras do not do what her bra is doing in this photo.
I think I just became the second most immature person writing this post.
Valerie: Server, from Tennessee, 11 years younger than Arie. If Valerie could be any animal, she would be a dog, because she “wants to be spoiled and loved unconditionally.” What is happening to the young women of America? Who ruined their self esteems? And how did no one who cares for them stop them from the very self-destructive move of auditioning for The Bachelor?
Obviously Valerie has never read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Welp, that’s the lot of them. I can’t wait to see these faces get super drunk and emotional on night one in just under a month.
The season officially starts in early January, and Eli and I will do our best to cobble together some sort of write-up for each episode. Remember to follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and FB, just in case we’re extra lazy some weeks and decide to clog your feeds with Instastories of our reactions to the episode.