Alright, strap in. We’ve got 4 hours of Bachelorette to cover, which is three hours too many. Things are probably going to get weird. Consider yourself warned.
Remember how Kenny and Lee stepped outside to duke it out?
Instead they talk it out. Because nothing truly exciting ever happens on this stupid show.
Kenny calls Lee a “dime store psychologist.” Lee calls Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” I call them both bad at talk trash. BOOM. ROASTED.
Lee seems to think he’s won. Also, Lee looks like every Quentin Tarantino villain.
Rachel gives a rose to Brian, because Rachel really, really, really likes Brian.
Kenny congratulates Brian and says Brian is a, “great dude, a classy dude. He hasn’t snaked other dudes to get to where he’s at. That’s very important not being a bitch ass dude.”
And Lee is like, wait a second…could he…is he…am I being mocked?
So then Lee says some bad words
and Kenny says some bad words
and it’s uncomfortable, but nowhere near as uncomfortable as Jack and Rachel’s date. Jake and Rachel’s date hurt me physically to watch.
It’s clear from the get go that Rachel would rather be anywhere but sitting next to Jack in a carriage.
Also, she has a cold, and everything is so much worse when you have a cold, but the show must go on, so here she is eating oysters that she probably can’t even taste on account of her congestion.
“There’s something missing with Jack,” Rachel tells the camera right before Jack tries to make out with her.
“You’re going to get sick. I’m contagious!” Rachel screams multiple times. And yet, Jack persists. For a while. Like, a long while. And I’m actually getting a stomachache thinking about how oblivious the poor guy is to how not into him Rachel is.
Rachel makes it thirty seconds into dinner before she just can’t take it anymore and sends Jack home.
Meanwhile, things get pretty intense at the hotel when Will has to explain to Lee that “aggressive” is a loaded term when used to describe a black man and that Lee should exercise caution before ascribing that description to Kenny again.
Lee graciously internalizes the feedback. LOL! JK! Instead he says, “I don’t understand the race card, but it got played.”
And I have to replace my television because I punched a hole in it.
Rachel cancels the cocktail party BECAUSE SHE’S SICK FOR THE LOVE JUST LET HER REST AND BINGE GLOW WHILE CHUGGING NYQUIL, YOU MONSTERS.
Poor thing has to pretend to care about the rose ceremony,
wherein she gives the final rose to Lee, because if 2017 has taught us anything, it’s that racists boost ratings.
Tickle Monster does not get a rose,
nor does this person whose name I cannot remember even though just last week I wrote extensively about how much I dislike him:
Rachel tells the survivors that they’re headed to Oslo, and the show editors provide this handy visual:
Shortly after landing Rachel invites Brian on a date.
It bears repeating, Rachel likes Brian quite a bit. Enough to kiss while essentially plummeting to her death from 180 feet above.
Over dinner Rachel and Brian talk about how they both used to be less hot than they are now. It really brings them together.
So Brian gets the rose.
The group date card arrives,
and everyone but Lee and Kenny are invited, meaning Lee and Kenny will be on the two-on-one. I don’t have enough eyes to roll about this.
On the group date we meet Coach Tom, whose entire career as a leader of a championship handball team is being made a mockery of by a group of American yahoos in revealing uniforms.
“Handball is life,” is all Coach Tom says, and he smiles zero times the entire time the silly boys play hand ball.
Later, things get steamy between Rachel and Peter in the hot tub.
Then Rachel gives the rose to Will and not the man with whom she just got her mack on? I dunno. You do you, I guess.
Then the next date card arrives and it reads,
Kenny and Lee, your fate is up in the air.
2 men, one rose, one stays, one goes.
In preparing for his date Kenny gets verklempt facetiming with his daughter
and Lee gets…I don’t even know.
Then the time for their date arrives, and the editors, again, demonstrate an appreciation for subtlety.
Rachel speaks with Kenny and Lee individually. Lee tells Rachel Kenny dragged him out of a bus.
Kenny did not drag Lee out of a bus and is annoyed that Lee said he did.
and that’s where Monday night’s episode ends.
I have no screenshots for Tuesday’s (tonight’s) episode because I have work tomorrow. No one consulted with me about this 2 night double whammy nonsense and frankly, I feel like the people at ABC have it in for me and are hastening my death with a show schedule I can’t possibly keep up with in terms of the standards of recapping to which I hold myself.
Anyway. Kenny confronts Lee, again, and calls him a bunch of bad words, again.
“Jesus loves you,” Lee says in like, the worst possible way. Then Rachel returns from wherever she was hiding (hopefully making out with Diggy) and tells Lee she’s sending him home. She’s ready to fly away in a helicopter with Kenny and leave Lee sitting alone in the wilderness, but then Kenny decides he needs to say a final good bye to Lee. Rachel is, rightfully, annoyed with the theatrics (girl, just call Diggy already).
Later Rachel gives Kenny the rose, then knocks out another rose ceremony and sends Anthony and Josiah home.
The next date card arrives and it reads,
I’m COpen to love
Because they’re in Copenhagen now. I forgot to tell you that before. During their date Rachel and Eric make out in a public hot tub, eat hamburgers in an amusement park, and talk about Eric’s sad childhood. Eric gets a rose.
Then the next date card arrives. Yes, that’s the 27th date card this episode.
I’ve taken a viking to you guys
it says, and everyone but Will is invited, meaning Will gets the one-on-one.
On the group date Rachel introduces the men to Tom and Morton, two Danish dudes dressed like Christmas elves that claim to be experts in viking culture. As far as I can tell, their credentials were never checked.
Tom and Morton instruct the eager gentlemen on Viking games I am positive they made up on the spot. By the end two different guys are bleeding, and Tom and Morton are probably taken into custody.
Later, Rachel sends Kenny home because he should be with his daughter (has she been home alone this whole time?) and also because Kenny is a little too dramatic for her tastes (or maybe I’m projecting). Peter gets the group date rose, probably because Peter is a perfect physical specimen.
The next day Rachel takes Will on their date and it is terribly awkward. Not Jack date awkward, but still. Pretty bad.
Full disclosure, I stopped paying attention at this point because I was on my FOURTH hour of Bachelorette for the day and one’s brain can only handle losing so many brain cells in a given space of time.
Pretty sure Rachel sends Will home? Then quotes Hamlet? And I think Alex is gone?
Now I would like to encourage you all to write your senators and representatives and tell them you oppose the cruelty being inflicted on bloggers during Bachelorette 2 night specials.