The Bachelorette S. 13 Wk. 4: Quirk, Cork, Quark

First up this week, some big news in Bachelor Nation. Bachelor In Paradise lives on and will air later this summer. I’m not sure if that means every cast member is returning. Seems like that would be awkward since one cast member still alleges that she was assaulted by another. The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this was all a giant hoax to get us to tune in.

And the starving artist in me wants to remind you to become a TV & Jelly Patron if you haven’t already. You can also send donations via paypal if you’d rather. Or you can skip this awkward plea altogether.

Now. On to the recap:

I don’t remember exactly what had happened when the third episode concluded, but I know Lee was involved in a bad way. So now Lee corners some poor sucker on a green couch and says, “I didn’t sign up to come here to make friends.”

So mark the “Didn’t come here to make friends” box on your Bachelorette Bingo card.

Lee continues his reign of terror by asking Kenny to step aside so he can speak with Rachel. Kenny refuses, so Lee stands six inches away, listening to their whole conversation, which is entirely about wrestling.

Lee grabs Kenny’s shoulder in a weird way, and Kenny decides he’s not so sure about this Lee character.

And neither am I, because the longer the night goes on, the taller Lee’s hair becomes and witchcraft is the only plausible explanation.

Later Kenny, still bothered by the interruption, asks to speak with Lee, and Iggy is offended that he’s not invited to this private confrontation, because Iggy is the worst and tries to insert himself in every situation.

Actually Iggy is bad, but he’s not the worst. Lee is the worst.

Now feels like the appropriate time to mention that Dean tells the producers he believes Lee is “intolerant” of those he doesn’t see on a daily basis, culturally speaking (read: racist). I’m not sure if he is in fact a racist or just an all around a-hole Update: Confirmed racist but the optics sure aren’t great when Lee snaps “GET TO IT” at Kenny loud enough for the rest of the room to hear,

and for Rachel to hear elsewhere in the house.

Rachel is annoyed, because GROWN MEN are having slap fights while she’s trying to find a husband/person with whom she can share an Us Weekly cover.

Things get real when Rachel tells a producer how much pressure she feels being the first black Bachelorette, and how she knows how she’ll be judged for the decisions she makes. “You have no idea what it’s like to be in this position,” she says. There’s clearly a lot edited out of this interaction, and if I had to guess what’s removed, I’d say it’s the producers telling Rachel she has to keep Lee.

Someone in crisis mode calls in Chris Harrison, who proceeds to do his best impression of a human with emotions and empathy. Chris tells Rachel he’s there to help. Then he tells her he can facilitate anything she’d like. That’s quite the promise. I wish Rachel would ask him to facilitate a new group of men. Or nachos. Or an impromptu trip to Disney Land, but that doesn’t happen.

Cause next thing we know, Chris walks into the living room and bears some bad news.

As punishment for their unruly behavior, Chris tells the men, each will be fed just one bowl of gruel per day, and be required to spend an additional three hours in the work yard. Also, it’s time for the rose ceremony.

They need to figure out a way to conceal Rachel’s microphone that doesn’t make her look like the victim of an alarming medical condition.

Rachel tells the men, in so many words, that she’s disappointed in them for acting like a bunch of hangry toddlers. Then, probably against her better judgment, she starts passing out roses. All the usual suspects get one, until only Diggy, Lee, and a couple of guys whose names I can’t remember are left. She gives the final rose to Lee. While her mouth says, “Lee, will you accept this rose?” Her eyes say, “They’re making me do this. I’m a contractual prisoner. Somebody please save me.”

Then, when she hugs Diggy goodbye, she whispers something in his ear.

We can’t hear what she says, but I hope she asks him to wait a few months so they can date in private. Diggy’s my favorite, and every available woman in America should do everything she can to match with him on Tinder or Bumble or eHarmony or or whatever the kids are using now.

The next morning Rachel and the lost boys head to Hilton Head Island.

All I know about Hilton Head is that Alison from Pretty Little Liars spent time there prior to her murder and I hope that PLL is somehow integrated into this season and Rachel and the guys all have to band together to figure out who murdered Whaaaboooom. Doesn’t seem likely though.

The first date card awaits the men in their hotel room (provided by a fabulous sponsor and the tourism board of South Carolina):

Dean is pumped,

and also possibly a member of the Illuminati if I’m interpreting his arm tattoo correctly. I’m something of an expert on secret societies because I read The Da Vinci Code thirteen years ago.

To start their date, Rachel and Dean pop open a bottle of champagne. Then Dean spots a blimp off in the distance.

Turns out the blimp is their ride.

And Dean has some reservations about being a passenger in what is essentially a giant, flammable balloon.

Rachel tells him if he pukes she won’t hold the puke bag for him. This is perhaps a dig at Nick, who held Vanessa’s puke bag last season, or just Rachel being honest. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive I guess.

While Dean puts his head between his knees and tries to stave off a panic attack, Rachel asks to fly the blimp.

I just love her

Then she manages to convince Dean to fly the blimp, despite his debilitating fear of heights.

Unlike that pansy Meatloaf, Dean will do anything for love (airtime). It works:

The actual pilot, who probably had control of the blimp the whole time the kids “flew” it, flies by the hotel and the digital sign on the side of the blimp reads “Rachel and Dean are in here.” The other men are not ready for that jelly.

To be fair, that does seem unnecessary and a little cruel.

Later, the group date card arrives and it reads, “I want to see who’s ready for commitment.” Everyone but Jack Stone is invited,

which means Jack Stone gets a one on one. Do you think Jack is related to Emma? Or Sharon? Or Oliver? OR ALL THREE?

Once back safely on the ground, Rachel and Dean meet for dinner in an enchanted swamp.

They talk about their childhoods, and Dean speaks of his mom who passed away when he was just 15. He tells this story in a way that, to me, seems unrehearsed and genuine and like he’s not using his tragic past to leverage Rachel’s favor. Then again, he is telling this story in front of a film crew, so who knows.

Dean gets a rose and they make out for a while,

then Rachel leads Dean to a crowd of people and some guy behind a microphone.

Russell Dickerson is a country person? I guess? He sings a song about a boat while Dean and Rachel make out some more.

Then the next day the group daters gather on a dock, board a yacht,

and imbibe quite a bit of alcohol.

The expected buffoonery follows.

There’s a pushup contest. It’s embarrassing. Then there’s a rap battle. It’s more embarrassing.

THEN. The group deboats, and Rachel surprises the men with a Spelling Bee.

It’s the most embarrassing.

Some of the fellas are decent spellers. Some are not.

Words spelled incorrectly include: champagne, boudoir, facade (Eric thought it started with ph), coitus (Peter spelled it with a q), boutonniere, and physiological.

Josiah wins by spelling polyamorous.

It’s the most impressed I’ve ever been watching this show.

That evening Josiah pours his drink into his trophy, cause why wouldn’t he?

Josiah is my new favorite.

And Rachel kisses a wide array of gentlemen.

Then, for some reason, Iggy decides he doesn’t like Josiah, maybe because of the trophy drinking or maybe because he’s bored, and tells Rachel he doesn’t think Josiah is right for her.

Also, he calls her sweetie. Why she doesn’t immediately send him home is beyond my understanding. A drive thru employee recently called me “sweetheart” and I vowed never to return to that establishment even though they serve the best burritos in Salt Lake City.

Iggy decides to tell Josiah that he talked with Rachel about him.

Because Iggy just wants to watch the world burn I guess. And also he doesn’t have a prayer of winning since he calls adult women “sweetie,” so he hopes to make a splash in the little time he has left.

Josiah asks Iggy to provide one single example of a time when he’s acted duplicitous, something Iggy accuses him of being, and Iggy can’t. I think Josiah hits the nail on the head when he says, “Iggy’s a bitch.”

Also, did you forget about Lee? Wasn’t it so nice to not remember he was a person for just a minute?

Sorry, but I’m going to have to ruin that peaceful feeling. Cause I need to show you how Rachel looks at Lee when he talks:

It’s the way I look at everyone trying to sell me toothpaste on social media.

Lee calls her ma’am, and she says, “Don’t call me that.”

Nonplussed, Lee uses his short time with Rachel to throw Kenny under the bus by calling him “aggressive.” In an interview with producers Lee says of Kenny, “I’m going to find joy in smiling and crumbling his miserable world.” That is not something a decent human being says.

Rachel’s not an idiot, so she asks Kenny for his side of the story.  Kenny tells Rachel that Lee’s handshake does not match his smile and that their confrontation was a momentary lapse.

Kenny’s bummed that he had to spend the entirety of his time with Rachel explaining the Lee situation.

“Lee is an alternative facts piece of garbage,” Kenny says. It’s a topical and accurate description.

Kenny is mad that Lee described him as “aggressive” when Kenny was only trying to talk things out. So Kenny asks for a private (filmed) chat with Lee.

“What the hell is happening now?” Lee asks,

and just when we’re about to find out,

We’ll have to wait until next week to see what happens during the “UNBELIEVABLE 2 NIGHT SPECIAL.” That two night thing doesn’t really jive with my work schedule, and I’m not sure when the recap will go up. But I promise it will at some point.

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  1. Chris

    There is no excuse for referring to another adult stranger as sweetie, or anyone over 10 years old for that matter. Words have consequences and I support your decision to not support that specific burrito place.

  2. Craig

    That is in fact a Zelda tattoo. (Unless he’s really into Delta brand power tools, I guess.)

    I’m appalled you missed that, what with how much time you’ve spent in my insanely nerdy office.

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