Survivor S. 34 Wk. 12: Two Votes

If you remember, Sierra got voted out last week. And like 10 seconds after it happened, my friend Emily texted me and said that she saw Sierra roller-blading around Liberty Park in Salt Lake City WHICH IS THE PARK BY MY HOUSE and I immediately freaked out but then I was like “my street gang from 1995 called; wants its roller blades back.”

(I know you never thought of me as the gang banger type. And I hope this doesn’t hurt my image of integrity, professionalism, and magnanimity. But I was a member of a very vicious and unforgiving roller-blade gang in 1995. There were six of us. Five if Jared D. had bassoon lessons that day. And we rollered and bladed aalllll over Summer Meadows subdivision in the sprawling metropolis of South Jordan, Utah. Our main activity was ringing doorbells, posing in the street until a grownup opened the door, and then acting out a fight using hockey sticks until everyone was dead. We usually ended with a PSA about violence or drug use. And then the grownup would awkwardly clap while slowly backing into their house. You probably heard about us if you were alive in 1995.)

The point is, Sierra is gone, and tonight’s episode started with 8 people.

Pretty much immediately we go into an immunity challenge, which means that either there are going to be two Tribal Councils in this episode or just one super long one because someone else is about to ruin their own life by crucifying another player over a sensitive personal issue. I hoped for the former because America does not have the emotional capacity to walk Troyzan through a species identity crisis this week.

The challenge requires the players to stack some wooden cards. My sweet honey boo boo tropical sunshine baby girl chitty chitty bang bang Aubry immediately takes a lead. At some point she confesses a crush on former-Survivor-contestant Cochren (I refuse to look up how to actually spell his name because he is now my enemy). I forgive her for this because we all say wrong things when it’s hot and we’re hungry. I once told a McDonald’s worker in a developing Equatorial country that I wanted to have her baby when she offered me extra fries for free. AND I’M A MAN.

Aubry wins the challenge, proving, conclusively, that there is a God and it’s probably Oprah.

Stop distracting us, Aubs.

Aubry is so excited about this that she nearly tackles Jeff to the ground after he announces that she has won the challenge.

I was going to jump up into the air and party with her, but this was happening on my lap.

I know that you don’t come to TV & Jelly for pornography (unless you also read Meg’s Bachelor recaps) and I’m sorry that I exposed you to it. But I’m turning 33 tomorrow and I don’t think it counts as pornography when you’re 33. Compromising pictures of my crotch are equivalent to close-up webMD photos of genetic disorders now.

Note, too, that in the background of that picture, there is a framed photo of me with another dog. Yes, I’m a ridiculous person. But also, please don’t tell the black one about it. He hasn’t noticed it yet and I can’t afford a blow to our relationship right now since he just recently stopped pooping on my bed.

Further, I know I could have just moved Mr. Duncan Doodle (my dog) from that spot, and in some states I may have been legally required to do so, but this was the only time in the last 24 hours that he wasn’t running in circles or biting my face like a New Testament demon.

Also, since you asked, here are some more photos of us:

This is him helping me type out this recap.

That last one is just a blurry close-up of a growth on my chin because I’m looking for a diagnosis from the TV & Jelly hive mind.

Where was I? Oh yes.

So Aubry and Andrea want to get rid of Brad because he’s a giant scary man. Andrea mentions that she would like to see Sarah go, too, but Aubry tells her she doesn’t think it’s time to get rid of Sarah yet.

Aubry explains the thoughts to Cirie, who turns around and tells Sarah.

They get to Tribal Council and blindside Andrea and Aubry, as the other six votes send Andrea packing.

Aubry goes back to camp, emotional. She is consoled by Tai, who may or may not be aware that he is playing a game–this is still not clear. Tai’s conversations with Aubry are noticed by Cirie, who is not pleased that Tai may be up to something.

Suddenly, there’s another challenge. Brad wins it, securing Immunity for the night. We know that he is pleased with his performance because he either beats the crap out of or makes love to the beach for the next 30 seconds after Jeff declares him a winner. All I know is they had to bleep his words and blur his mouth a lot during this time. And when they do that, I am forced to imagine that the person is swearing allegiance to the Illuminati.

Also, let’s all take a brief moment to remember that Brad Culpepper used to look like this:

Go Dolphins. Or whatever.

There’s some scrambling back at camp. And to be honest, I didn’t totally follow all of it. All I know is Sarah wants to get rid of Aubry but Cirie thinks Tai and Aubry are going to target Sarah and she wants Sarah to go after Tai or something.

Cirie tries to talk Sarah into this, telling her that Aubry told her this plan and that she believes Aubry is telling the truth. Sarah says she trusts Tai over Aubry. And as a token of trust between her and Cirie (THIS MAKES NO SENSE SO DON’T TRY TO REASON WITH IT) she gives her Legacy Advantage to Cirie to hold onto it for the night.

Quick recap: Sarah was gifted this Legacy Advantage by Sierra. It allows the holder to steal someone else’s vote and vote twice.

Cirie is frustrated that Sarah won’t believe her about the plan, so she decides that she’s going to use the Legacy Advantage to steal Sarah’s vote and save her. Cirie tells Michaela this.

The seven folks go to Tribal Council. There’s some normal talking. And then Jeff starts to invite the crowd to vote.

Cirie stands up and says she wants to use the Advantage and steal Sarah’s vote. Sarah is shocked, and then contends that Cirie isn’t allowed to use this Advantage because it can only be “willed” by a departing player and it is otherwise not transferable. There is some argument about this. Jeff tells Cirie to read the rules written on the Advantage card.

The lawyer in me is loving this. And is also like “I OBJECT!” Because that’s what they say in the movies.

Cirie confirms that the Advantage is, in fact, not transferable.

But the damage is now done.

Sarah is pissed. So she starts wandering around from person to person, whispering. This starts a frenzy. Everyone is whispering. Michaela is yelling at Troyzan to go away and get a real name. Cirie is trying to convince Sarah that she was only going to use that Advantage to try to help Sarah. Michaela backs her up on this. At one point, Aubry pulls her bandanna over her face, I assume, to take a power nap.

Then Sarah says she’s going to steal Tai’s vote.

The votes are counted. For reasons that aren’t clear to me, Tai decides not to use one of his 17 hidden Immunity Idols. But I guess this works out for him because he only gets two votes to Michaela’s four (Aubry gets one).

How Michaela ended up on the chopping block makes no sense. If anyone can explain this to me, I will gladly give you the gift of song when you least expect it.

Join us next week for the 12-hour finale!

Editor’s Note: Someone on Facebook pointed out that Sarah did NOT use the Legacy Advantage. She used a secret advantage she took from the floating dock Michaela was sulking on a few week’s ago. The Legacy Advantage gives her immunity when there are six people left (next week) so she still has that. I’m not sure whether this matters, but you people pay us a lot of money for accurate information so I thought I should note the correction.

2 Comments

  1. I found the Survivor rule book.

    “You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut, through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey, you yank his tail and boom – you’re in Paradise Pond!”

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