The Bachelor S. 21 Wk. 9? I Guess?

Did you make it to the Strangerville Live show? I saw a few familiar faces and met some readers there, which I loved.

We’re doing another show in May, and I hope to see more of you then. Until then, I’ll link to a recording of the show when it’s ready in a couple weeks.

So. Last year I read Andi’s terrible, mind-numbing, soul-sucking book. I know I’ve told you this before, but it bears repeating, because I want you to know how much I sacrifice for my art. The book was so bad that I completely forgot to read the final chapter. THE FINAL CHAPTER. Most of the memoir is about her microwaving Chinese food and checking Instagram (I’m not joking). She spends an entire chapter watching Scandal. She spends another chapter talking about how good she looks in red lipstick. It’s the only book I’ve ever wanted to shred. HOWEVER, Andi does share a few gems about her and Nick’s courtship. Namely, that she was never that into him, and that their night together in the Fantasy Suite repulsed her.

We know Nick read her book because he talked about it on BIP. In fact he talked about how accurate it is. I’m bringing it up because I want to provide as much context as possible before recapping their very weird interaction. There’s some bad blood between these two, and they’ve both done things to make the other mad over the last couple of years. Again, this book is super horrible, but if you want the full nuanced picture, you’ll have to read it. Plus, if you order it from the above link, we Here at TV&J get some money. So.

At the start of the episode Andi stands outside Nick’s door looking like a Disney Wicked Stepmother.

“Hello, NicKKKK,” she says, hand on hip, eyes flickering. She’s anxious to cast a spell or skin a puppy or trade legs for the ability to speak.

Nick invites Andi inside,

while outside, the remaining 4 women start gathering for the rose ceremony. Vanessa is having a tough time.

“I just don’t feel special,” Vanessa says. Typical millennial. Quick. Find her a participation trophy.

Rachel claims her feelings for Nick have jumped to a new level, but I wonder if at this point she’d already been offered The Bachelorette job?

Cause she seems cool as a cucumber.

Nick pours some whiskey, and Andi wonders if he’s poisoned it.

For good reason.

Raven’s grandpa escorts her to the rose ceremony,

and Corinne is being very unCorinne about everything.

She says she’s genuinely scared that Nick will send her home, and then she doesn’t pull a face or flash some cleavage or anything. It’s very sad.

Nick and Andi take a deep dive into their feelings

wherein Nick tells Andi he finds himself holding back anytime there’s the slightest inkling of love. Then they acknowledge how weird this situation is.

To be clear, it’s very weird.

Nick tells Andi he doesn’t plan on getting engaged just because he’s The Bachelor.

Andi reminds him with her eyes that he has a contractual obligation.

Andi asks Nick what he intends to do with the women in their Fantasy Suites,

Gross.

then she offers her unsolicited advice, which is, go for it, and by it she means…you know…IT.

Nick and Andi apologize for hurting each other,

And just like that, she’s out the door.

Okay bye?

During Nick and Andi’s entire eight minute conversation, Vanessa, Rachel, Corinne, and Raven have been standing outside, wishing hypothermia would just carry them to their graves already.

Nick takes his time approaching the lectern, then forces the women to freeze through an entire speech.

He thanks the women for the great visits to their hometowns, and for the love and devotion and $3,000 outfits they’ve shared with him.

Then he gives a rose to Raven.

Now, if you’re like me, at this point you assume the other two roses will go to Corinne and Vanessa, since we already know Rachel is the next Bachelorette. But then Nick gives the next rose to Rachel.

I’m still so baffled by the premature announcement. Why do we know Rachel’s fate so far in advance? Does anyone have inside intel?

Nick stands dramatically, holding the evening’s final rose,

and the camera pans between Corinne, who desperately needs a tissue,

and Vanessa, who desperately needs validation.

Which she gets.

Poor Corinne.

I mean, poor, rich Corinne.

Not even dressing like a spread from Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Arctic Edition could save her.

During their goodbye stroll, Corinne stops at the bottom of the stairs, tells Nick to wait, THEN APOLOGIZES TO THE MAN THAT JUST DUMPED HER.

“I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset,” she says to the man who dated 25 other women while dating her.

Nick assures her that she has nothing to regret, while he pats her head like he would a cocker spaniel.

UGH.  WHY. NO. Come on, Rin Rin. Be more Beyonce about this. Specifically, more Lemonade tracks 1-7.

Corinne gets into the limo and falls apart.

“Why can’t I just have a normal relationship?” she laments. I think there are a few answers to that question, not least of which is her desire to be on tv.

“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worship them and love them and care for them and support them. I will never kiss up to a man again in my life,” she says. And then she falls asleep.

There’s the Bey. Kind of.

Nick, Vanessa, Raven, and Rachel fly to Finland.

Cool map, guys. Did you screen shot this from an Encyclopedia Britannica CD rom?

Because Finland is the first place everyone thinks of visiting in the dead of winter.

“This is the most northern place I’ve ever been,” Nick says.

It’s his diplomatic way of saying “Why are we not in Fiji?”

Nick monologues around the country for a good while.

In these monologues, he reflects on his relationships with the three remaining women, his feelings, blah blah blah blah blah.

Mercifully, he’s interrupted when a suburban pulls up and out steps Raven. It’s then that we learn Nick is not a great waver.

Raven and Nick hop in the chopper,

so they can get a bird’s eye view of more snow.

Listen. I’m sure this landscape is lovely. But I woke up to blizzards the last two mornings, and here on the cusp of March, I’m ready for a different view. I’m done trying to get my 2-year-old to keep her boots and coat on for the five seconds it takes to get from the house to the car. I’m done using my coat sleeve to wipe ice from my windshield. And I’m done wearing the same sweater everywhere I go because it’s the only thing that keeps me warm. I’m done with winter, whether it be the one I’m living, or the one on my television. ARE YOU LISTENING, ABC? Next time give us the Bahamas.

These two don’t need seem to mind the chilly temps, though.

They eventually land and make their way to Local Pub Panimo.

The inside of the pub feels like a scene from Frozen, If Anna, Elsa, Kristoff, Olaf, and all the trolls were intoxicated.

Raven and Nick play darts,

and Nick is just as bad at it as he is at waving

and choosing shirts that compliment his head size.

Swing and a miss.

Over a cozy dinner, Nick and Raven talk expectations for their night together.

First, Raven takes nine minutes to tell Nick she loves him.

And Nick responds in kind.

Then, he hands Raven her invitation to the Fantasy Suite.

Should you choose to forego your individual rooms tonight, please use this key to stay in the Fantasy Suite and so on.

Raven tells Nick she accepts, and he gets red and giggly.

You’re 36.

Then, Raven tells him she’s only ever been with one man, and that their intimate relationship was not…um…as fulfilling as she would have liked. In more explicit terms. So no pressure, Nick.

They trudge through the snow to get to their room

where they promptly begin making out on the bed.

And then the episode is over? After just an hour? Mid Fantasy Suites?

So I guess I’ll see you next week!

Until then, remember to make your predictions in our Bachelor Fantasy League

And, if you haven’t yet, please become a TV & Jelly patron.

 

 

 

 

10 Comments

  1. Allie B

    I have heard a pretty solid theory about why Rachel’s bachelorette announcement came so early. Typically this franchise doesn’t get a lot of diversity, especially with the men, so they needed to announce her earlier while they can still cast more diverse men for her to date.

    1. Meg Walter

      That makes a ton of sense. Historically they’ve probably thought, “Why bother, I’ll just get sent home the first week.” I’m excited to see how Rachel’s season changes things.

  2. Mark Barnum

    Love your comment on winter in Utah…it practically being March and all.

    And paraphrasing the immortal words of Merry talking to Pippin. “I don’t think she knows about second winter.”

  3. Mark Barnum

    Additionally, am I the ONLY one who half expected to see Chris Harrison peeping into one of the windows of that mostly-windows, ‘yurt of Raven’s extreme expectations’?

    1. Meg Walter

      OMG right? They were so stoked on those windows, but like, how close are they to the other yurts? And what are the chances they get arrested for indecent exposure?

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