The Bachelor S. 21 Wk. 5: Big Mean Swamp Monster

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And now, after a chaotic and news-heavy week, let’s enjoy a few moments of distraction to talk about what was hands-down the worst two hours of television ever aired.

Corinne and Taylor are still arguing in the backyard.

Taylor tells Corinne she lacks emotional intelligence. Corinne does not know the meaning of emotional intelligence. She doesn’t react well when Taylor tries to explain it.

Corinne tells Taylor that she needs to be nicer to the other girls.

Pot, kettle, etc.

Corinne pretends to sympathize with Taylor feeling “alone and sad,” then when Taylor says she feels just fine, Corinne tells her that she should feel alone and sad because a lot of the girls think Taylor is…are you sitting down? You need be sitting down for this…Corinne accuses Taylor of not being there for right reasons. 

BOOM. There it is. There are no harsher words that can be thrown at a Bachelor contestant. “You’re not here for the right reasons” is the “Avada Kedavra” of the Bachelor franchise. There’s no recovering.

By the way, I should mention that Taylor is just as disliked as Corinne, so for the other girls it’s kind of like watching that video of the lizard outrunning the snakes.

 

Like, it doesn’t really matter to them which girl survives, but it’s still brutal to watch.

Corinne and Taylor finish their conversation without having resolved anything. Then Corinne sits Nick down and tells him how mature she is.

And of course she tattles on Taylor.

“I am the queen,” Corinne tells the camera,

while Taylor plays the victim in Danielle’s embrace.

Both responses are equally obnoxious.

The time for the rose ceremony mercifully arrives. It’s held in a drafty barn, in Wisconsin, in late fall.

You can tell the hypothermia has already set in on Danielle.

Instead of rushing through the rose ceremony so they can all get back inside where there are blankets and heaters, Nick takes long, dramatic pauses before every name.

It takes so long that the editors have to loop two different suspensey soundtracks.

Poor Sarah isn’t even wearing a coat. 

She somehow makes it to the end of the ceremony without dying. Unfortunately, she’s also without a rose. As is Astrid.

But Sarah is especially broken up about it.

“It’s unfortunate that someone who is really ready to be here was overshadowed by the drama,” she says. To which Corinne says,

Nick tells the gals to pack their bags because they’re headed to New Orleans where frostbite poses less of a threat.

The ladies do a quick infomercial for Marriott,

“We’re blown away by the penthouse suites! Can’t believe the view!”

then Chris Harrison pops in.

He explains that the ladies will be visited by three ghosts. Wait. No. Three dates. A one-on-one, a group date, and….A TWO-ON-ONE.

Dun dun dun!

Then CH presents the week’s first date card.

It’s for Rachel,

and it reads, “Where have you Beignet all my life?” Woof. That’s worse than usual.

Nick and Rachel putz around The Big Easy for a while,

Not sure it’s safe to walk around with a giant stack of cash in your hand, Nick.

tasting the food, tasting each other,

tasting more food,

(Get your own Cafe Du Monde experience right at home with the Beignet mix 

or the book 

 )

and enjoying the local culture,

right outside the hotel where the other women are imprisoned.

Nice.

Later, Nick takes Rachel to Mardi Gras World, which looks like a recurring fever dream.

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.

They eat there? Like they aren’t trapped in the bowels of Hell?

They talk about their feelings, Rachel gets the rose, they kiss,

all while Satan’s rendering of Big Bird lurks, watching from the corner

For what it’s worth ($0), these two do seem to have real chemistry.

But I think the suits at ABC want to make Rachel the next Bachelorette. So we’ll see if sabotage awaits.

Back at the JW MARRIOTT BEST HOTEL IN THE WORLD BOOK NOW the group date card arrives.

It reads, “Til death do us part,” and Josefine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. are invited, leaving two girls for the two-on-one. Can you guess which two?

You are good at guessing.

The group daters meet Nick outside a southern manor

And what follows is very, very, very stupid. Not hilarious stupid, like drunk Corinne calling herself a corn husk. More like, I want my twenty minutes back stupid. I’m tempted to skip it entirely, but now that some of you are actually paying me to write these things, I feel the need to be as thorough as possible. Like, if I ordered a pizza and only got 2/3 of it, I would be mad. Even if the delivery guy said, “I promise the other 1/3 is garbage, we accidentally put anchovies on it” I would still demand the full pizza for which I had paid.  So here’s your garbage anchovies portion of the recap:

The house is “haunted.” A little girl named May died of yellow fever in the house over a century ago.

And now May is looking for her doll.

“Don’t ever touch the doll,” the caretaker of the house implores. Subtle foreshadowing, bro.

The group decides to light candles and sit on the floor, because that’s normal adult behavior.

Then they pull out the Ouija board,

and ask it who gets the group date rose. Like the spirit world cares. Like any of us care.

Then, of course, the lights cut out.

It’s basically a D- horror movie from this point on, with all the predictability and none of the terror.

Let’s separate and explore the house!

Look at that! The doll is gone!

The lights flicker, a chandelier falls, a rocking horse rocks, yada yada yada kill me.

Wait no! Don’t!

Just when you think this whole thing can’t get any dumber, Danielle and Vanessa stand before a mirror and ask May if they will receive roses at the next rose ceremony.

 

Like paying attention to their reality tv careers is on the ghosts’s list of priorities. Girl’s got more important things to do like finding her doll and murder ten women.

Actually I lied. It gets stupider. The group date rose is “enchanted.”

I mean it this time. Kill me.

It’s a very half-baked attempt at plugging Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, and a rather abrupt tonal shift. Four seconds ago we were in a Wes Craven movie and now it’s a Hallmark Original.

Or Maybe a Lifetime Original: “I Didn’t Know He Was Kissing Everyone.”

It’s probably important for you to know that Raven tells Nick she loves him. “On accident.”

Reminder: Nick is much, much older than Raven and this is gross.

Nick gives the enchanted rose to Danielle M.

which isn’t great for the girl who just dropped the L bomb.

Meanwhile, at the JW MARRIOTT NOW WITH FLUFFIER ROBES, Corinne is preparing for tomorrow’s show down. This preparation includes some pampering

and some room service ordering,

How does the cheese pasta compare to Racquele’s, Rin?

while Taylor meditates and sniffs oil.

Gotta be honest, I would 100% rather hang with Corinne over Taylor given how they choose to spend their down time.

The date card arrives

and it’s official. One of these girls will not be returning to the JW MARRIOTT TO TRY THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST!

Corinne and Taylor enjoy some nice bonding time on their way to the bayou.

“No votes for Taylor,” Corinne says. “Make America Corinne again,” she adds, then flips her hair behind her shoulder and smiles her most presidential smile.

Okay sure.

The limo pulls into Swamp City where Nick waits to determine the passengers’ fates.

Nick greets the ladies

and leads them into a boat. Also, a burly guy with a curly ponytail hops in. It’s never really explained why.

Both Corinne and Taylor touch Nick as much as possible,

even though there’s a perfectly suitable man standing right behind them and this could easily become a nice double date.

During the boat ride Taylor mentions 47 times that she has a masters degree in mental health counseling.

So really, how wrong would it be to feed her to a gator?

Nick and the ladies, and I assume their escort, dock the boat and journey through what Corinne calls “the jungle” until they reach a voodoo ceremony.

It’s probably culturally insensitive. I never know.

They’re led to a reader holding a pack of Tarot cards.

The reader asks to do Taylor’s reading first and determines that Taylor needs to move on from a toxic relationship.

Corinne and Nick wander into the swamp and Corinne tells Nick how severely she’s been bullied by Taylor.

Then Corinne and Taylor switch places.

Corinne has her fortune told,

and Taylor defends herself from Corinne’s accusations.

She does this mainly by repeating the phrase “emotional intelligence” over and over. I’m starting to think she didn’t actually get her masters degree in mental health counseling but instead just read the mental health wikipedia page and decided to incorporate some of the terminology into her vocabulary.

The producers force Taylor to rejoin Corinne, and the two sit awkwardly while Nick relieves himself in the woods (probably).

“I hope you feel like you used your time wisely, because you lied to him,” Taylor says. When Corinne asks how she lied to him, Taylor explains that she never called her stupid or called her names.

“I can’t believe that you’re a mental health counselor,” Corinne tells Taylor.

Oh, is that what Taylor does? I hadn’t heard.

Then they go back to awkwardly sitting in silence,

until Nick and his empty bladder join them.

He thanks the girls for making the most of the experience,

explains how important he thinks it is to have an emotional connection with someone, then asks Corinne to accept the rose.

How’s that for emotional intelligence?

Nick says goodbye to Taylor,

then he and Corinne just up and walk away,

leaving Taylor alone in the gator-infested wet lands.

“I”m feeling very confused. I literally just don’t get it,” Taylor says as Nick and Corinne ride off into the sunset.

You know what they say, when life hands you lemons, join a voodoo cult.

That’s precisely what Taylor does.

Then she declares that she’s not going to go home without speaking her peace.

So it’s no surprise, really, when just as Nick and Corinne start to get cozy,

they’re joined by a surprise guest.

Tune in next week to see if May ever finds her doll.

Until then, remember to vote in our Bachelor Fantasy League Group.

Also, if you haven’t already listened to our latest podcast episode, do so now.

Okay then. See you next Tuesday.

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