Welcome back to Survivor, or as I like to call it these days, “The Bachelor vs. The View.”
To remind you, we have two tribes, divided by age. One tribe is full of every 23-year-old who has interned in your office for 2 days before quitting to pursue their “passion” (they now live in the parents’ basements and spend all of their time working on their social media presence). The other tribe seems to span a full 9 decades, but Survivor assures us that they are all Generation X-ers. Whatever the hell that means.
I still think it’s too early to know anyone’s names, but I’m going to make one exception for the sake of simplicity and mention that David, the paranoid TV writer on the Gen X Tribe, is still frantically searching for an Idol. And he miraculously finds it, nearly blowing his cover by NOT CALMING THE HELL DOWN.
But surely he will be careful with this Idol and not do anything stupid. RIGHT?!
You people are too optimistic.
Meanwhile, on The Bachelor, some moron can’t stop talking about his “love goggles” for some Barbie who is trying super hard to be this year’s prom queen.
Also, Barbie’s real name is “Figgie.” So she needs to go home immediately.
Anyway, that night Moron and Figgie make out while everyone can see and hear them. And one woman on the Tribe says “you stink, yo’ mouth is nasty, you got sand in yo’ drawers, and you kissing somebody. That’s disgusting.”
I want to elect this woman to every office in the land.
The next morning everyone is like, “OMG! Ken and Barbie totes macked in the shelter! LOL Hashtag love connection hashtag wtf hashtag snapchat hashtag totes for real!”
And the love birds were all like, “wtf NW! Gross lol snapchat!”
I seriously hate the world’s future.
Anyway, some of the people on this tribe try to have a come-to-Jesus with the couple, informing the man of it that he’s being an idiot by hooking up with homegirl right now because “couples never last.”
I’ve already written more about this absurd nonsense than should ever be written on a Survivor recap, so I’ma move on.
Back in the camp of grownups, David obeys my foreshadowing by immediately telling the male model that he just found an Idol. Luckily(?) for David, the male model appears to be genuine in his promise to stick with David and use that Idol to the advantage of their alliance. At least this seems to be the case since male model speaks consistently with David and the camera.
Also, the Millenials are terrible at opening coconuts. But they don’t realize this and they cheer when someone destroys one coconut and wastes all of the fluid inside of it.
But they’re distracted by the romance that is still going on. A romance most of them are sick of already. There’s some drama about this and it doesn’t make any sense to me. But that Figgie person seems to be in the middle of it and I just need her to go home because her name is Figgy. WE NEED TO BE UNITED ON THIS.
THEN, there’s a medical emergency! Paul, who is 87 years old and OMG so not a Generation X-er, goes down.
And Jeff and the Dr. show up and Jeff’s face is like, “we had enough of this last season. Do not screw this up for me, Paul.”
But then the Dr. is like, “everything is totes fine and Paul should stay on this hot miserable island with no food or water and enough social trauma to crush a grown man” and nobody questions this.
Then there’s a challenge.
It’s eleventy hundred parts long, and the Tribes are playing for a tarp and Immunity. I don’t care about any of this. The Gen X-ers win and the Millenials are all like “WHERE’S OUR PARTICIPATION TROPHY!?” (They texted this).
The Millenials dramatically engage in a popularity contest that makes very little sense wherein the majority (led by the nerds) decide to toss Figgie because she seems to have been miscast on this show instead of The Bachelor. I don’t know why they don’t decide to get rid of the man she’s macking instead of her but they seem to blame her for the steamy tropical paradise and absolve her lover of all wrongdoing and this is sexist and unfair but I don’t have time to hate everything today so I’m going to just have to ask one of you to take up that cause for me.
The hot millenials decide that maybe they should try to convince the majority to get rid of this woman who is what the kids are calling a “gamer” which is apparently a real job and I actually looked her up and she has eleventy trillion Twitter followers and I only have 9 and most of them are my mom (she creates a new account whenever she forgets her password) so maybe these people have figured something out because I have to do miserable things in an office to get money so I don’t starve to death BUT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ALL OF THESE CAUSES RIGHT NOW STOP DISTRACTING ME.\
The kids show up at Tribal Council. It’s dramatic. A million different conversations are happening at once. Nothing anyone says makes sense. The hot people are all whispering to that one nerd from before who tried to open a coconut by hitting it with a machete for 7 straight hours that she should vote against her gamer friend instead of against Figgie. And apparently this is a difficult decision for her because she takes a full eternity to decide whose name to write down.
Eventually Jeff tallies the votes. And somehow the hot people convinced everyone else to toss the gamer because homegirl gets sent on home.
Parent-Teacher conferences are going to be CRA-CRA this year.