Survivor S. 34 Wk. 13: Finale

Tonight was the 1,100-hour-long Survivor finale and as usual, I refuse to fully recap it. I don’t know why they do this. Every season they drag it all out for an eternity and then suddenly when there are a dozen people left they’re like “let’s have ten tribal councils in the …

The Bachelorette: S. 13 Wk. 1

I woke up this morning to 75 Facebook messages all written in Japanese characters. They were from Meg, reminding me that I allegedly committed to torture myself sometime back when the future seemed far away. I apparently agreed to rot my brain on “The Bachelorette.” I put it in quotes …

Let’s get ready to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE

ABC finally released the Bachelorette cast list, and guys, it was worth the wait. But I’m writing from a hotel room in Japan, and I’ve got shrines to see and sushi to eat, so I hope you’ll forgive me if this preview is more abbreviated than usual. I’ve included a photo …

Survivor S. 34 Wk. 12: Two Votes

If you remember, Sierra got voted out last week. And like 10 seconds after it happened, my friend Emily texted me and said that she saw Sierra roller-blading around Liberty Park in Salt Lake City WHICH IS THE PARK BY MY HOUSE and I immediately freaked out but then I …

Survivor S. 34 Wk. 11: Family Matters

So, elephant in the room. Daddy abandoned you and didn’t even say goodbye and now you’re all really mad. I actually have a gif that features every single one of you. And I did something even worse than leaving you. I put you in the hands of the angry mob boss, …

T minus 12 days

I keep refreshing ABC’s site to see if they’ve posted the Bachelorette cast bios yet. So far no dice. They’d better hurry because the season starts in less than two weeks and, more importantly, next Tuesday I’m headed out of the country (don’t even try to rob my house, I …